My Moon, My Man

Here we go again: The 25th Video Music Awards, the annual celebration of self-indulgence that only continues to lower our expectations with each coming year.

This year, we were treated to host Russell Brand, a lesser known English trash-talking personality. Kicking off with what was surely the most political monologue of the award show’s history, Brand pleaded for the audience to vote for Obama while scolding America for electing “that retarted cowboy fellow.” Thanks for the input, Englishman…Very influential. For anyone who didn’t see it, the humorless, shout-happy series of awkward statements unfolded like a Sarah Silverman performance missing the funny.

That however, was not Brand’s finest hour, which was actually the two remaining hours spent harping on the promise rings worn by the Jonas Brothers. When I say two, I mean it—each time the man was given an opportunity to speak, he took a jab, the insults growing worse each time. It was no surprise then that the audience erupted in loud cheers when Jordin Sparks decided to break from her speech and defend her own ring, declaring: “I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It’s not bad to wear promise rings…Not everybody wants to be a slut.” Overgeneralization? Surely. Deserved? Absolutely.

As for the performances, most were generally sub-par: Rihanna’s opening “Thriller”-esque rip-off made her forgettable as always, T-Pain and Lil’ Wayne were far less than inspiring, and Kanye West’s final smoke-and-lights moment left me rather unfulfilled. Some even bombed, namely Katy “Ur So Gay” Perry and her hideously bland rendition of “Like a Virgin.” I have just one question to ask you, Ms. Perry: Is that a banana on your shoulder, or are you just completely untalented?

The rocker chicks generally fared better: Pink pulled out a rather fierce rendition of her snotty kiss-off track, “So What?” with the help of pyrotechnics and breakaway glass, while Paramore kept true to form while performing their endlessly catchy single, “Misery Business.”

I’ll even award some modest golf claps to Christina Aguilera for fitting that pin-up friendly bosom into a form-fitting, futuristic PVC outfit (which, by the way, was rather “Toxic” of you, Miss Aguilera) while performing an electro-tinged rendition of her “classic” “Genie In A Bottle” along with her new single, “Keeps Getting Better.”

The actual awards went by (as they often do) greatly unnoticed, though one of the most genuine moments came when German pop-rockers Tokio Hotel scored a miraculous win over their competition, including Miley Cyrus. As the group trotted up to the stage and sputtered out their acceptance speech in broken English, few could help but coo at their adorable bout of breathless gratitude.

However, as we all know, this night was truly about my queen; my dearly damaged damsel, Miss Britney Spears. Didn’t she look stunning? Even some uninterested viewers around me forked over some halfhearted kudos once she appeared. While she didn’t perform, she never had to: Britney Spears makes the VMA’s. She smiled and looked pretty, walking away with her first, second, and third Moon Man of her career, all while awarding the haters a well deserved “Fuck You” for counting her out in the first place. Some are angered by Brit’s triple victory, and I certainly agree…I mean, shouldn’t the award go to a more established, credible artist such as Katy Perry or Miley Cyrus?

Exactly. Get over it. The VMA’s have been as dead as their hosting network for years.

After all, this year’s show will be remembered for nothing, except for the moment when Britney finally brought her sexy back.

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Photo credits:
#1: Photo by Jordan Strauss/WireImage.com
#2: MTV/Getty Images
#3: UntouchableBritney.net