I wasn’t going to do this, but coupled with the fact that I’m currently bed-stricken with on-again, off-again vision blur due to an on-again, off-again migraine, I thought what a better way to thoroughly piss my day away than to review a Jordin Sparks album?
And now, Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield, a live-blogging review and experience.
“Walking On Snow”
God, I cannot see out of my right eye! Wait, it’s beginning…Isn’t this the opening guitar strum to Kelly Clarkson song ever? Oh! I quite like this electro beat. This is nice. I approve. Do I really like this? I think I might. I can’t really understand the lyrics, but I’m not really paying attention either. Well done.
“Battlefield”
GUESSYOUBETTAGOANGETCHURAMMA. Perfection.
A charting peak at #25? Nice going, America. I hope you enjoy your latest Taylor Swift track.
“Don’t Let It Go To Your Head”
Ah, so this was originally a Fefe Dobson track. That doesn’t mean anything to me, but let the record show it has been acknowledged. A electro-glittery mid-tempo: “Just ’cause I think of you in bed, don’t let it go to your head.” Stop teasing me with your bedroom coos…NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A SLUT, JORDIN SPARKS.
“S.O.S. (Let The Music Play)”
Oh, dear. I was afraid of this one: Sampling one of the best ’80’s club tracks into a texting-all-my-ladies ‘intimidation’ track? Sadly, I don’t even dislike it all that much–it’s just my natural pop sensibilities urging me to reject this. Let the music play!
“It Takes More”
I wonder if Jordin is absolutely having the time of her life touring with the JoBros. I saw a video with her filming some sort of promo commercial with Joe Jonas last year and she was sporting the most massive Joner ever–she even awkwardly swore in front of him to ‘show off’ in that annoying schoolgirl sort of way. It was really painful to watch. Oh, right–this song is pretty decent. Midtempo. Electronica. Fairly by-the-numbers though, isn’t it? “Don’t you know it takes more?”
“Watch You Go”
Another sauntering mid-tempo. “There’s something you should know: I hate to see you leave, but I love to watch you go.” What the fuck does that even mean? Is Jordin an ass man?
“No Parade”
Displaying that Christian morality again. This is so clearly an anti-gay pride rally number. Wait–does this sound a bit like “Halo”? No, never mind…it doesn’t. But I think that’s going to become my catchphrase for the year: “It’s good, but it sounds a lot like ‘Halo.'” To be fair, “Already Gone” was done before “Halo,” but hey–let’s let that pop injustice live on. I’m bored, but I suppose if I was forced to listen to this album for the rest of my life, I would learn all the words to this and sing it triumphantly.
“Let It Rain”
Good God, are we only half done here? Oddly my migraine appears to be dissipating. Oh, great…a hand-clappy mid-tempo–WHAT?! I wasn’t expecting this ‘rock-tinged’ chorus! “I refuse to feel ashamed…LET IT RAIN!” This is clearly her redemption track for the homos: They can officially feel prideful again. Oh Christ, are those tears? Is she crying? Am I getting affected? If another artist produced this, I bet we’d be finding ourselves calling this one ‘epic’ in another post.
“Emergency (911)”
JORDIN–getting sassy up in this bitch! “I bought this dress for you, I got my legs all smooth / I got my mani-pedi, I got my hair done too.” This is a fairly fun, ‘modern’ uptempo track. However, there’s something implicitly uncomfortable about songs with “911” in the lyrics. I mean, all I can think of is dancing to this at a party and seeing some girl’s hair catch on fire and shouting “IT’S AN EMERGENCY! IT’S A 911! THIS WOMAN’S HAIR IS ON FIRE!” and then everyone raises their drinks and cheers real loud and puts the song on even louder as the girl writhes around on the floor. That’s the fear I’d have listening to this in a social setting. I would listen to this again. But why is she pushing more buttons on the phone than 9-1-1? What the hell is she dialing?
“Was I The Only One”
Ugh, I am so not in the mood for another tender ballad. Lyrica generica overload. “Was the only one who fell in love? There never really was the two of us / Maybe my all just wasn’t good enough. Was I the only one in love?” This is painful. I imagine the recently heartbroken would find this somewhat moving and ‘the story of my life right now,’ but it’s hard to–did she just whimper again? Oh, dear.
“Faith”
WAIT A MINUTE. Is this a cover? No? Why do the chords remind me of “You’ve Got A Friend In Me?” I’ll blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol/returning migraine. This isn’t ‘bad’ per se. Perhaps it’s a glimmer of what adult Jordin Sparks would sound like in her impending adult contemporary career. I may nod off.
“The Cure”
As far as I can tell, there’s no relation to the Robert Smith-fronted group here. PIANO CHORDS REMINDS ME OF “EVERY HEART BROKEN.” Soaring piano track. Keisha, where are you? I wish the Sugababes just came in and stole this song and took it HOME. This is a little pretty. It’s cute. Tender. “I’ll be the cure. Show me where it hurts, and I know I can be the medicine you need.” It sort of begs for a response of unzipping the pants and whipping it out. Sorry. OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALMOST DONE!
“Papercut”
“I wish I was the Tinman so I wouldn’t have a heart to break.” It’s not fair to skip a song based on one line alone, but I’m so temp–I’ll wait. Very by-the-books mid-tempo guitar strum. I wonder if I should review Brooke Hogan‘s The Redemption for the giggles.
“Postcard”
I’m sorry–I forgot where I was for about three minutes. This isn’t the same song? “I’ll send you a postcard saying I’m alright.” I think she’s driving somewhere. I wonder how I’d react if someone cited Jordin Sparks’ “Postcard” as their favorite track of all time.
SWEET JESUS, IT’S OVER.
Verdict: Okay, Battlefield is not terrible. Jordin Sparks is a very capable vocalist, and at times, I could even describe her voice as somewhat soothing. More than likely however, I would never, ever to this album again barring the first four or five tracks, and MAYBE “Emergency” (in non social settings for fear of emergencies, obviously.) It’s just…lifeless. God, she’s boring.
And that, my friends, was the live review of a Jordin Sparks album while fighting off a migraine. SOMEONE GIVE ME MY FUCKING PULITZER ALREADY.
Click below to preview and purchase Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield.
