I have no time for the MTV Movie Awards. Like the Oscars, the show is nothing more than an endless parade of self-congratulatory douches eagerly circle-jerking each other while promoting their latest projects. Except the MTV Movie Awards are for teens. And teens are totally cool. So the jokes are pop culture relevant and full of swear words and sex jokes. It’s totally even more awesome.
Nonetheless, I waited out this fuck-fest of nonsense for Christina Aguilera‘s performance.
Thank God I did.
First of all, she whipped out “Bionic” first. WHAT? Amazing. I love “Bionic.” Bitch looked fierce to death upon a throne, and she was all suited up with her “Not Myself Tonight”-esque leotard and her album cover hair and make-up and everything was flawless and fabulous, etc. etc. Also, those opera wails at the end. Lawwwd have mercy! Loved it.
Then came “Not Myself Tonight” which was basically a rehash of the video’s best choreography and was therefore quite good indeed. Also, she sang very well and did some signature Aguilera vocal noodling while tapping the microphone quickly with her fingers because THAT’S WHAT CHRISTINA AGUILERA DOES WHEN SHE SINGS LIVE.
Then came “Woohoo,” which was a bit of a surprise because “Woohoo” is still not very single-worthy and she got bleeped for no real reason in the beginning but luckily she performed a very abbreviated portion of the song, so that went well.
AND THEN XTINA SAID “LET THERE BE LIGHT,” AND THERE WAS A VADGEHEART. XTINA SAW THAT THE VADGEHEART WAS GOOD; AND XTINA SEPARATED THE VADGEHEART FROM THE GLITTERY LEOTARD. SO SAYETH THE LORD, AMEN.
(Side note: Peaches had a blinking light above her vagina when I caught her in NYC last year, so perhaps she passed on the idea to Xtina in the recording studio when they worked on “My Girls” together.)
In all seriousness, this performance kind of ties together all of the loose ends of the Bionic campaign and makes sense of an otherwise jumbled, somewhat iffy album.
YOU KILLED IT, BITCH.