Earlier this morning, MTV announced the addition of a brand new socially-concious category to the 2011 Video Music Awards: “Best Video With A Message.”
The nominees for the award–from the network that brings you Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant–include Lady Gaga‘s “Born This Way,” Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful,” Katy Perry‘s “Firework,” Taylor Swift‘s “Mean,” Eminem‘s “Love the Way You Lie (feat. Rihanna),” P!nk‘s “Fuckin’ Perfect” and Rise Against‘s “Make it Stop (September’s Children).”
As you can tell from the list of candidates, it’s kind of–err, lacking in places. MAJORLY.
To remedy this situation, I’ve gone ahead and spotlighted four of the most glaring snubs. With any luck, I’ll have shed some light on why these four deserving titles should be receiving as much praise and recognition as any other “It Gets Better” PSA–I mean music video.
You’re welcome in advance.
Britney Spears – Till The World Ends.
Cause: Sewer Sanitation
I mean, hello: This one’s kind of the most obvious snub. Never before in modern history has a pop star/living legend/Holy Spearit tackled the hot button issue of sewer sanitation–and with such ferocious poise/barely noticeable body doubles!
Walking around sexily, doing tiny claps and bravely sticking her head out of a manhole, Spears defiantly rejects her traditional role of a pop star in the clip for “Till The World Ends,” getting her hands very, very dirty within the dingy sewer system of some undisclosed (post-apocalyptic) urban center–all for the sake of awareness.
“It felt like there was poop everywhere even though there wasn’t,” Godney famously proclaimed in her 30-minute MTV documentary, I Am The Femme Fatale. Little did she know that those few words alone would lay the groundwork for congressional debates regarding urban reform and domestic spending for years to come.
What you got to say, Katy Perry? WHAT THE FUCK YOU GOT? That’s right. Didn’t think so. Bitch.
Ke$ha – Blow
Cause: Laser Gun Safety
In this dog-eat-glitter world where tensions run high and Jack Daniel’s prices run even higher, it’s only a matter of time before some classless chicken-head breaks out a laser gun in the middle of a harmless unicorn ball and starts a full-out brawl. Thankfully, there’s someone who’s lived to tell about it: K-e-dollar sign-ha.
Taking a turn from dolling out free BJs in the back of a Hula Hanks for beer, our fearless drunk cheerleader/professional trash receptacle takes the increasingly alarming issue of senseless unicorn slaying horn-on in this gripping, powerful PSA.
Yet “Blow” doesn’t just extoll the value of responsible laser gun usage in gritty, gliterry technicolor realness. It teaches us all an invaluable lesson: Muenster cheese is delicious, and James Van Der Beek will forever be a douche.
Nicole Scherzinger – Don’t Hold Your Breath
Cause: Plumbing
Okay, fine: Britney kind of already covered this cause, and this song isn’t even a single in America. WHATEVER. The message is too strong to ignore.
Centered around a running sink that just will not quit, Nicole Scherzingiiiwannagooooer‘s watery mini-film smartly navigates the hazards of allowing the bathroom piping to go plugged up for way too long: Your house will inexplicably lose all of its windows, you’ll have to hide under blankets, and your living room will get so windy you’ll be forced to stand there and hair flip for hours on end. Raw, real and daring, Scherzy Baby drives the point home: Fix your goddamn sinks.
Since then, the plumbing goddess has gone on to expound upon the point further in her latest waterlogged video for “Wet”, proving once and for all: Pussycats just don’t like getting their claws wet.
Video: “Call Your Girlfriend” by Robyn
Cause: Safe Floor Sex
Sweden’s Queen of Pop has always been an unabashed champion of getting freaky: From Body Talk‘s “Criminal Intent” (“Somebody alert the authorities, I got criminal intent / Conspiracy to engage in lewd and indecent acts and events”) to Robyn‘s “Konichiwa Bitches.” (“Cumming in your mouth, make you say ‘Yum, yum!”)
Yet never has Robyn so boldly taken charge of her ceaseless thirst for the D than in the devastatingly sexy one-take shot for her last single, “Call Your Girlfriend.” Decked out in an ostrich sweater, some colorful patterned leggings and five inch pair of bright pink platform kicks, the Swedish chanteuse pumps, thrusts and grinds her way across a vacant auditorium–at one point literally demonstrating coitus for us in an impressive back-roll-to-floor-hump–in a bold interpretive dance that espouses the importance of keeping it both safe and sexy.
Now, whenever a fan finds themselves in the midst of sticking their Swede in a Scandinavia, they will forever be reminded of the nimble songstress’ dry-humping the floor and immediately think to themselves: “Whoops, better wrap it up for Robyn!” And for that: WE SALUTE YOU, HERO.
Now go and ahead and think about what you’ve done, MTV.