A State of Bionic Emergency has been declared.
Across the world, entire roadways have been shut down. Businesses closed. Entire towns abandoned. Outside, a young mother sprays her doorstep down with a full bottle of Christina Aguilera By Night, working diligently until the bottle is empty. Seeing that her work is complete, she steps into her home, double-bolts the door, and walks back into the children’s room. Still awake, she realizes.
“Is she coming?” they ask from their beds, their eyes wide and glassy with innocence, even in the dark. “No, my babies. I’ll never let that happen. Never,” she weakly promises. It’s a lie–she knows that–as she turns out the lights and steps into living room, kneeling down before the altar and lighting a vanilla candle. Silence, and then the crunch of a single Cheeto: “Godney, hear our prayers.”
Yes, a new Legendtina promo photo has arrived. (Photographer Jake Bailey says it was shot at her house last year and has nothing to do with the album, but let’s pretend he’s a fucking liar, Camille.)
The Grand Empress of The Voice looks nothing less than almighty in the black-and-white promotional shot. She dons an over-sized Mi Reflejo flower on her head, grown from the Desnudate Desert in Lower Woohoo Canyons, her cruel hands gently pressed against her face. And her talons–Photoshopped to cleverly appear as fingers–are adorned with dark nail polish, reminding us all of the sub-zero chill of Bionic on the album charts.
“Bow down, lessers: The throne is mine now,” those hungry eyes seem to growl. One side of her face remains nearly obscured by the deep shadows cast by tall piles of Xtina-sponsored Feed The Hungry Gorditas piled just off-camera. But it’s those lips–stained a brutal blood red, even if all the color’s been sucked from the photograph–that say it all: The Bionic legacy lives on. Still going strong.
It is nearly time.
Photo courtesy of JustJared.
