“Who the fuck is Tamar Braxton?!” she screams as the sound of a wine glass shattering against a wall pierces through the night.
The legend briefly stands up, readjusts her studded diaper and sits back down on the red swivel chair, refreshing the iTunes Store for the 70th time in the past half hour. “Scream & Flop,” she murmurs, scrolling up through the Top Songs list. “Beauty And A Flop.” “Flopmonds,” she continues. And then, she sees it: Taylor Swift at #2…blocked by Bruno Mars?!
“HA!” She quickly closes iTunes, minimizes her One Direction slash-fic Xanga and fires up her email.
Log-in: [email protected]. Password: MariahCanSukMyDiq143.
Subject: Your body (on the charts)
Body: “Hey T-girl! Heard about Bruno keeping you away from #1–you must be devastated. I’m sorry you’re flopping! I found something to cheer you up. Have you seen this fan video for “I Knew You Were Trouble”? SO sweet. Thinking of you during this tough time. Remember: No matter how untalented people SAY! you are, you’re still an unbreakable flower. Rise up, lotus! ;-) -XoXtina.”
The fan video links to Legendtina’s “Just A Fool” performance on The Ellen Show. #LotusPromo, bitch.
At the same time, Baby Max sits idly inside the living room staring at the TV, an oversized Santa hat slouching atop his head. There was nothing to look forward to about Christmas: Mommy helped him with his list for SAYnta this year, which now included Lotus, Lotus: Target Deluxe Edition and the Your Body fan edition of Lotus.
Hearing his mother’s wretched cackling from the master bedroom, he sighs and crawls over slowly to the couch, where he grabs the iPod Nano hidden deep within the cushions. As he puts in the earbuds and plucks off the dried, half-eaten bits of Bits N Pieces cereal, his eyes close tightly as he hits play–the sweet sound of “My Only Wish (This Year)” filling his ears. Briefly, if for just a brief moment, he finds solace.
Back in Legendtina’s boudoir, she clicks and types furiously at her 1996 IBM while sucking on her red and green Kool-Aid-stained extensions, putting the final touches on her latest masterpiece. “It’s done! LOOK!” she shrieks at last.
“OBSERVE, FAN–OR IT’S THE MIDDLE FINGER FOR YOU AGAIN!” she howls, the monitor threatening to fall off at any second with each tap of her outstretched fan. A shaking gay man hiding in the corner–covered in wads of gum, mystery blue goo and lipstick stains–gingerly walks toward the computer.
“What the fu…” the fan starts, clearly confused by the tracklisting. “Ashanti? The OMG Girlz? Why, Y-Your Legend–you’re the most relevant and iconic person on this entire collection!” he gasps incredulously.
“I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW MY NAME…SAY!” she declares, raising both fists in the air. Mission accomplished.
“Oh wait, never mind. Hilary Duff‘s on this.”
The legend winces. Before he can even react, an unsold copy of Bionic whips across the air and slaps him straight across the mouth, as he falls to his knees writhing in pain.
“BOW DOWN!” she howls as she steps on top of the bleeding gay.
She continues on and struts over to her vanity, humming “Let There Be Love” while picking out a Back to Basics promotional greeting card from a drawer. Then, a Lotus promotional quill. She dips the instrument into an open bottle of Christina Aguilera: By Day and begins to craft the message.
“Dear Brandon,” she scribes gracefully. “Thanks again for that #LotusPromo interview. As a fellow true lover of music, I thought you’d appreciate this little compilation of Christmas classics that I put together with Baby Max for the holidays. Part of me’s a fighter. Part of me’s a stronger. Part of me’s a lover of true Christmas music. Sorry, I couldn’t find any Jew songs. LOL! Hope everything’s going well over at WhoMuse. Happy HoliSAY! – XoXtina.”
“Should old acquaintance, be-e-ay-AY-uh for-gah-AH-ah-OO-oo-ay-SAY-AH-AH!” Legendtina yodels as the snow begins to fall outside.
And thus, Happy HoliSAY!: For True Lovers of Christmas Music was born.
Legendtina, “Xtina’s Xmas”
Ali Lohan, “Lohan Holiday (feat. Lindsay Lohan)”
Willa Ford, “Santa Baby (Gimme, Gimme, Gimme)”
Cheetah Girls, “Cheetah-licious Christmas”
Christina Christian, “Winter Wonderland”
Legendtina, “Christmas Time”
Ashanti, “Christmastime Again”
Hilary Duff, “Santa Claus Lane”
Kristinia DeBarge, “Do You Hear What I Hear?”
Stacie Orrico, “O Come, All Ye Faithful”
OMG Girlz, “I Like Christmas”
Legendtina, “Merry Christmas, Baby”
