Dear fans,
Hello, it’s me. The one with talent. (I think you already know my name.)
To begin, I must first address the obvious: At this very moment, someone is out there shamelessly attempting to steal the spotlight away from my 2004 Mercedes-Benz A-Class anthem, “Hello.”
I wouldn’t even have known about this sad stunt to begin with had I not found Baby Max sobbing in the corner the other day. I said to him, “Baby Max, what’s the matter? Did you accidentally step on your DVD copy of Stripped Live in the UK again?”
He said “No, Mommytina. It’s Adull.”
“Who?” I said. And then he lifted up his iPad and showed me that “music video.” Wind? How revolutionary. Has no one seen “Fighter”? And a flip phone? Really? Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
It seems, rather predictably, that the entirety of the bullshit media — all of those bobblehead bloggers like Pigrez Hilton and the sad queen who runs this site, WhoMuse (maybe you should consider changing your password to something besides “Britney4Evr” if you don’t want me hacking in again, Brandon!) — are playing dumb and not calling out this clear and obvious infringement.
I’ve always prided myself on being one to inspire both future and past generations. That is, assuming I own a percentage of the publishing.
I wasn’t even personally aware of this person prior to the release of this song — I’m still not sure if it’s a man or a woman to be honest — but I think it’s safe to SAY! that they’ll be a one hit wonder and nothing more. Karma is a bitch, sweetie!
On the other hand, my hairstylist informed me about this rising European karaoke singer named after a cartoon — Anastacia or Cinderella or something — who recently recorded a cover of Lotus (available now on iTunes) self-empowerment anthem, “Army Of Me.” Now that is how you properly pay tribute. It’s pretty good for a newcomer to this industry!
If she puts in some serious work in my upcoming MasterClass, she might even be able to provide backing vocals for a real singer one day. Very promising!
Otherwise, music in general seems to be awfully lackluster in my absence.
I was told a few months ago that a singer named Salchicha Gomez put out an album called Revival which, like most music today, was inspired by my own album, Stripped. I tried to give it a listen the other week, but I clearly must have been given a warped copy, because her voice sounded all muffled — almost like she was whispering the whole time. Hilarious! Clearly some sort of accident.
Salchica, if you’re reading this, please send a copy of the album my way that features your actual singing. I’d love to hear you hit those Stripped notes that inspired your album so much. Love you, girl!
Anywoohoo, this has truly been quite a month for me…and also for America.
It must have been such an honor for presidential hopeful Hilda Clinton to throw a fundraising gala at my humble abode earlier this month.
As a longtime admirer of my talents, Hilda has written several letters over the years thanking me for my contributions to recorded music, as well as my humanitarian efforts — namely my commitment to fighting the epidemic of chapped lips with Eos®, the world’s best organic lip balm.
And as for me, a woman dedicated to the Woman — my new fragrance available now at Kohl’s — I’ve always felt it crucial to support My Girls.
Oh, what a night it was! Although Hilda begged me to act only as a hostess for the night and reminded me repeatedly that I did not need to sing, I knew she was secretly hoping for a private concert. And how could I say no to her silent request?
And so, after downing a few Strippedtinis and some delicious Bacon-Wrapped Bionic Buffalo Chicken Bites, I jumped on stage while she was delivering a speech to my beautiful garden filled with gay men (and Linda Perry) to perform a few classics, including my GRAMMY® Award-winning “Beautiful” and my GRAMMY® Award-winning “Say Something” with A Great Big Whale.
At one point, Hilda even joined in! It’s really such a shame that the general public will never see our impromptu “Can’t Hold Us Down” duet (I honestly had no idea she could twerk like that), but hey — there’s always time for an encore during the next Democratic debate.
That night, we ended up raising an incredible $1 million for her campaign — all of which she’s graciously agreed to donate to my various charity organizations: The BBC (Buy Bionic Coalition), the LDA (Lotus Distribution Association, a relief project dedicated to shipping copies of Lotus: Your Body Fan Edition to assisted living centers nationwide) and of course, the annual Sho-Ho-Ho Me How You Burlesque, a seasonal community project spearheaded by LGBTQ teens who go caroling door to door in Santa hats and sexy corsets, singing classics from my 2010 hit film.
But I’m sorry to break it to you Hilda, and Bernie Sandstorm, and Mario O’Mahlady and whoever else is running, but when it comes to foreign poli-SAY!, we need someone a little more advanced — someone who really is a true lover of democracy — to Make The World Move.
What I’m trying to SAY! is: See you in 2020, bitches. HA!
Back to Burlesque, I hope you all had a fabulous five year anniversary celebration this week.
Brazil, I’m so, so incredibly sorry I couldn’t be there in person to see your 50,000 person “Show Me How You Burlesque” flash mob in Rio. I would have gone, but I just didn’t feel like it. The photos looked incredible though, according to my assistant!
It’s really so incredible to see, and also very unsurprising, that my film has stood the test of time and continues to inspire future generations to this day. Just look at this young star on the rise:
Who knows? He might even get a chance to dance behind me on The Voice one day. Shoot for the stars, little dreamer!
By the way, I’m hearing whispers through the red swivel chairs that two of my fellow Voice judges — Blake Skeleton and Gwen Stephanie — are enjoying some casual Sex For Breakfast with each other. That’s really, really good news! Sometimes, when your professional life flatlines, your personal life flourishes. Of course I’ve maintained a consistently upward projectile at all times, so I wouldn’t know.
Since you’re likely reading this Gwen, here’s my message to you: Ride that cowboy for all he’s worth, because that “Used To Be Relevant” song you played me backstage is simply not happening. Praying for you!
Oh! AH-HAY-yy-YY-SA-ay-AY-NA! I feel The Voice Within grumbling, which means it’s probably time to head back into the recording studio.
I don’t want to give too much away, but my new music is inspired by yoga — and Mi Reflejo. I’ve been doing a lot of breathing. Bending. Centering. Stretching. Desnudateing. Downward Facing Dogging.
This is a time of renewal. Change. Maturity. Growth. Vanity. Eos®. The sound I’m creating is like nothing you’ve ever heard before or will ever hear again, quite frankly. The next chapter is coming, and it just keeps getting better…so prepare your body to be fucked all over again.
I wanna thank you for giving me time to breathe. I would be nothing without me, and neither would you. I hope you all have a glam Thanksgiving — may your Bird of Prey be extra juicy this year. And here’s hoping it’s not just your turkey that’s getting stuffed this year. HA!
Until next time: Thank you, fans.
Legend of the United States (L.O.T.U.S.) and Future Madam President,
– XoXtina 💋
