Jennifer Lopez and Shakira are co-headlining the Super Bowl 2020 halftime show, officially.
This decision is, of course, derechos gays – or “gay rights!” if you’re Jennifer Lawrence.
In all seriousness, this is going to be an incredible show, and the honor is more than deserved for both of these Latina legends.
I’ve given it some thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is exactly what should happen during the show.
Considering my expert opinion and insider knowledge, I can also assure you that this is exactly what will happen, so please…don’t be mad that I’ve spoiled the whole show in advance.
Without further ado…
THE 2020 SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW
[STADIUM LIGHTS DIM]ANNOUNCER (PROBABLY PITBULL): She’s a singer. A dancer. An actress. A soon-to-be Academy Award winner. The dictionary definition of a Triple Threat. People Magazine‘s Most Beautiful Woman In The World. The reason Google Images was invented. She’s J to tha L-O. She’s Jenny from the Block. And now, she’s here…to rock the Pepsi Super Bowl halftime stage. Ladies and gen–
JENNIFER LOPEZ’S VOICE, SOMEWHERE BACKSTAGE: “Wait, wait, wait! Hold up! Don’t start the show yet! Has anyone seen my shoes?!”
ASSISTANT: “These, Jennifer?”
JENNIFER LOPEZ: “No, not those!”
[SOUND OF SHOES BEING TOSSED AGAINST A LOCKER]JENNIFER LOPEZ: “You know, my shoes! The shoes! You know the ones…”
ASSISTANT 2: “You mean these, Jennifer?”
JENNIFER LOPEZ: “No! Oh God, this is a nightmare. Not those!”
[SOUND OF MORE SHOES BEING TOSSED AGAINST A LOCKER, A CAT YELPS]JENNIFER LOPEZ: “This is so bad. I’m going to be late. For my own halftime show! Wait – here they are. Hey, guys! I found them! My…”
[ALL LIGHTS GO OUT]JENNIFER LOPEZ, ECHOING: “Louboutins.”
[STAGE EXPLODES IN A RING OF FIRE AS A 20-FOOT TALL RED-BOTTOMED SHOE DESCENDS FROM THE AIR.]“Louboutins (Extended Version)”
Jennifer Lopez, wearing something expensive and sparkly, arrives to the stage atop a giant Louboutin. She jumps off the shoe and sticks the landing in a moment of redemption from the 2009 American Music Awards performance.
THROWBACK MEDLEY
Jennifer puts on a baseball hat. A 6 train pulls out onto the stage.
“If You Had My Love”
“Get Right”
“Love Don’t Cost a Thing”
“Jenny from the Block”
“I’m Real” (Ja Rule and Ashanti cameo)
“Control Myself” (LL Cool J cameo)
MOVIE MEDLEY
“Anaconda” (Nicki Minaj)
Dance breakdown. Backup dancers form a giant snake and chase Jennifer around the stage. Jon Voight gives a thumbs-up reaction shot from the audience.
[THE CELL VIDEO MONTAGE, A POLE RISES]“Criminal” (Fiona Apple)
Jennifer slips on a fur coat and recreates her Hustlers strip-tease. Dollar bills featuring Jennifer’s face rain down across the stadium. All royalties from the song’s usage go to refugees, and the J.Lo bucks are redeemable for one free bottle of her new fragrance, Super Bowl Glow.
“Como La Flor” (Selena tribute)
[SMOKE FILLS THE STAGE]Shakira rises onto the stage next to Jennifer. The two have a stare-off, leading into an intensely sexually charged hip-shaking showdown.
DUET MEDLEY
“Hips Don’t Lie”
“Beautiful Liar”
“Booty”
“Inevitable New Shakira-Jennifer Lopez Collaboration, To Be Released Sometime Before February 2020”
Jennifer exits the stage.
SHAKIRA, SHAKIRA MEDLEY
“Ojos Así”
“Estoy Aqui”
“Whenever, Wherever”
“She Wolf”
GIRL POWER MEDLEY
Rihanna rises from the stage, wearing Savage x Fenty lingerie and Fenty shades.
“Can’t Remember to Forget You”
In the final moment of the song, Shakira and Rihanna are just about to kiss. Conservatives everywhere clutch their pearls. Instead, Rihanna grabs a bottle of Fenty Gloss Bomb in shade Fu$$y from her back pocket, leans in and applies it to Shakira’s lips. She gives the camera a wink before disappearing offstage. R9 drops at midnight, along with the announcement of Rihanna’s headlining performance at the 2021 Super Bowl halftime show.
Becky G, Belinda, Lali, Thalia, Paulina Rubio, Gloria Estefan and Fey rise up from the stage to join Shakira, holding shirtless dancers on leashes, Return of the Spice Girls Tour “Holler” performance-style.
“Men In This Town”
“Las de la Intuición”
Jennifer returns to the stage to join the ladies.
“Ain’t Your Mama”
“Let’s Get Loud”
“Conga” (Miami Sound Machine)
BRIEF MALE MEDLEY
Maluma rises from the stage.
“Chantaje”
At the end of the performance, Shakira grabs Maluma’s waist and pulls at his tearaway pants. He’s meant to be wearing a jock strap, but instead he’s naked, wearing a football-shaped cock ring in a 2004 Janet Jackson Reverse Warholian Experience. The Federal Communications Commission fines Pepsi and the NFL for $600 million amid outcry, except no one’s career gets canceled. A court somehow later determines that Justin Timberlake must pay the fine.
Bad Bunny rises from the stage.
“Te Guste”
Pitbull flies into the stadium on a “Mr. Worldwide” helicopter.
DALE MEDLEY
“Rabiosa”
“On The Floor”
“Love Again”
FINALE
Everyone’s on stage, including their families.
“Waka Waka (This Time For Africa)”
Sure, it’s technically a soccer theme song, but who’s counting? Jennifer and Shakira wave goodbye to the crowd in a colorful, multicultural explosion of flags and confetti and joy. But it’s a fake-out.
[STADIUM GOES DARK]Electricity noises.
VOICEOVER: “Warning: System Overload. Warning: System Overload.”
Alarm sounds.
[GREEN LASERS SHOOT OUT ACROSS THE STADIUM]Jennifer rises up on stage again in a superhero-meets-pop star version of the Versace jungle dress.
“Waiting For Tonight (Hex’s Monumentous Radio Mix)” (Intro)
“Waiting For Tonight (2020 Remix)”
Jennifer strikes a final pose. Green fireworks erupt. The audience roars. Straight men are visibly weeping.
The halftime show, originally planned as a 12-minute performance, turned out to be a two-hour long concert. The rest of the game is canceled.
The New York Times calls the performance “the stuff of legends.” Time Magazine hails it as “indisputably the best Super Bowl halftime show ever.” Stan Twitter declares “ok they did that, tea wbk.” It is the highest-rated Super Bowl of all time.
See you in Miami.
