Here at MuuMuse, we’ve got our guns, got our guns, we got our guns in the mothafuckin’ ayuh. Why? Because it’s time for the premiere of Rihannoir‘s “Hard.”

There are explosions. There are spikes. There is a surplus in sass-talking, shoulder pads, and duct-taped nipples…and that’s just the first two minutes!

There is also mud-rolling, and a flash of army men playing cards and betting chips (WHICH IS A LOT LIKE A CONTINUATION OF RUSSIAN ROULETTE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.)

At the delicious 2:12 mark, Riri takes aim where it hurts: Making the hand gesture that means ‘You have a tiny penis.’ Because as we now well know, Rihanna is a size queen…so it probably has something to do with C. Brown‘s penis. I’m literally just guessing at this point.

And I haven’t even BEGUN to analyze the multi-layered gender studies-ready reading of the straddling-a-pink-turret-while-wearing-Mickey-Mouse-combat-helmet moment at the 2:40 mark. Sacrefreud!

But THEN , just when you think it could not get any better, she defies ALL of my expectations at the 3:30 mark and, during the “Where dem’ bloggas at?” section, PRETENDS TO BE TYPING ON A KEYBOARD. IT IS LIKE SHE IS TALKING DIRECTLY TO ME.

This video is literally too good to be true. I need to lie down.

Forget the military’s “Army of One” recruiting campaigns…this is all they’ll ever need.

Viva la Rihannoir!