Yesterday afternoon, my mother and I went to the movie theatre for a screening of the film Burlesque, starring Cher and Christina Aguilera.
Afterward, my mother felt compelled to write me an email with a review of the experience.
Here are her thoughts.
Dear Son â€“
Thanks for inviting me out for a lovely mother-son evening out. I have to say I wasnâ€™t really too enthusiastic about seeing Burlesque â€“ you know how I feel about Christina Aguilera and all. But I really couldnâ€™t stand to see your mopey expression anymore, so I reluctantly agreed. OMG!! I laughed, I cried (mostly from laughing too hard). But admit it, even you laughed when I leaned over and said, â€œDo I smell a Razzie?â€ Really, have you learned nothing from the Free Willy debacle when you were four and we had to leave the theater? Quite simply, I lack the ability to suspend reality to the level required to sit quietly through two hours of bad acting and cliched storylines. Since paying attention to this trainwreck was not really an option for me, I occupied my time with random thoughts, or muusings, if you will:
1. Christina can sing like nobody’s business, but sheâ€™s a mediocre dancer â€“ Britney would have done a much better job. (There, I finally said something nice about her). But of course since the whole point of the role was live singing, then its obvious why she wasnâ€™t offered the role. (Mom giveth and mom taketh away!)
2. It would appear that Cher could match Chaz shot for shot in the plastic surgery department. I give the point to Chaz though because at this point heâ€™s more believable as a man than Cher is as a 30/40/50ish femme fatale.
3. What is the point of Alan Cumming? I just donâ€™t get it. Besides, he brings out my primal mothering instincts. I want to say, â€œWipe that smirk off your face, mister!â€
4. This movie was like an early Christmas present for Mariah Carey. Not only will it keep Glitter company in the bargain bin section of the video store, itâ€™ll be great fuel if she cares to reheat her feud with Christina.
5. What are the odds someone would build luxury condos across from a ramshackle burlesque club and not take into consideration that someday it may be torn down?
6. Cam Gigandet should be in more movies.
I know you probably loved this movie more than you would admit to me. Thatâ€™s OK, honey just remember what I told you when you thought you saw a snowflake as we exited the theater â€“ â€œNo dear, that was Liza Minelliâ€™s frozen tears. Sheâ€™s sad to see what happened to Cabaret.â€