It’s time to cover the final (!) round of X Factor auditions–and they were janky as fuck, y’all!
For the past two days (with one still to come), Godney, Demi, L.A. and Simon have been holed up in Greensboro, North Carolina listening to basics butcher the classics. But unlike the stunning fan photos from the other city arrivals, the Greensboro auditions appear to be serving all the glitz and glamour of the lobby of a local Red Roof Inn.
Seriously: What is that carpet? That tacky ceiling? So low budge. You should have just stayed in Maui, B!
As a result, the Holy Spearit wasn’t really feelin’ it. In fact, judging by the quotes filling up The X Factor Twitter feed, she’s been opening up her 2007 umbrella and offering just about as much shade as possible.
Whether because the talent was truly sub-par, or simply because they’re all in North Carolina (as a known LGBT warrior, Godney is no doubt still fuming about the recent same-sex marriage ban)–Brit Brit remained staunchly unamused. “I don’t know if it was the song but I wasn’t feeling it,” she told one contestant. “There was some confusion…you were off key,” she told another who sang “Tik Tok.”
But by far, the most unbelievably legendary critique of the entire auditions was this:
Contestant: “Britney, I love you. Circus was my life for two years.”
Britney: “No.”
DREAM CRUSHERNEY.
However, our flawless Commander in Chiefney did manage to find herself one contestant she truly loved.
During one audition, a contestant broke into Vanilla Ice‘s “Ice Ice Baby.” Our Lady Spears got so into the groove that she got a plan (get naked), invoked the Inner Spearit and began breaking the ice (all while looking hot as ice.)
There was ample shoulder shimmying, intricate handography–at one point, I almost thought she was about to jump on the table and break into this. Luckily, it was all caught on camera. Watch and whimper from sheer unworthiness:
The following can be deduced from the holy dance:
+ “Ice Ice Baby” is a new LGBT anthem, praise be to Godney.
+ Vanilla Ice just became relevant for 5 more minutes, praise be to Godney.
+ The packaged ice industry will see an approximate 5,000% sales increase in the next week, praise be to Godney.
Really though, B just seems to be loving the rappers during this season. Even though she claims not to know a thing about rap, we all know she’s a little li-yah (REFERENCE!) Apart from a feature on that flop of a rap album by The Ex Who Shall Not Be Named, she also cut her very own rap track for Punk’d back in the day, “It Feels Nice.” (“I’m Britney Spears and I’m shakin’ mah ass!”) And…hello, “Pull It”? 45, locked and loaded–that’s how you give it to me! She quite literally has more rap cred than Nicki Minaj.
And so, following the last two tapings tomorrow, Greensboro officially concludes the X Factor auditions.
Wait. It’s over already? So, like…no new Britney photos every week? Or quotes? Or videos? I. Err, well. I’m, uh…I’m not sure I’m emotionally prepared for this. Withdrawal pangs! STRONG BRADLEY. STRONG BRADLEY.
SOMEONE FETCH ME MY STAGES DVD AND LIGHT ME A HOLY SPEARIT VANILLA CANDLE, STAT.