“No, you listen to me, Carson Gay-ly,” the World Hunger Relief spokeslegend shouts. “You give Adam more than 5 seconds of screen time in the new promo, and I’ll make sure you feel this moment,” she snarls, pointing to her outstretched middle finger.
She signs off Skype, tosses the iPad to the floor, takes a deep breath and reaches for a sip of a Lotustini resting nearby.
Legendtina‘s reign in 2013 is unparalleled: A triumphant return to The Voice for Season 5, a svelte new figure, the theme song for La Tempestad recorded for true lovers of Spanish music, a show-stopping performance with two fans at the Billboard Music Awards — and now, preparation for a massive world tour, which she’s currently putting together right in her very own living room.
The scene is complete chaos: Workers flit about madly, tailoring massive ball gowns, leotards and studded diapers. Hairdressers powder and tease giant white wigs. Bionic-era promotional anal bead mic stands line every wall. Bobbleheads litter the floor. Dancers stretch to the sound of “Desnudate” blaring from speakers. In the center of the room, a 15-foot animatronic lotus puffs out thick white clouds of Red Sin.
“It needs to be bigger,” she demands, readjusting herself in the red swivel chair at the front of the room. We don’t want this to look half-assed, she thinks to herself. This isn’t a fucking Rihanna show.
A bored looking Baby Max sits unwillingly at her side, watching. “Wait until you see the logo,” she purrs into his ear, noticing his ennui. “It’s inspired by classic cinema.”
Moments later, the workers wheel in the massive sign, a set piece from Burlesque, now newly reassembled: The Mrs. Goduilera Back to Bionic World Tour Lotus Experience, the burning bulbs spell out. “Ha!” she chuckles, nodding in approval.
Out of nowhere, a fan comes bursting into the room, disrupting the manic scene: “L-Legendtina!” he stutters, nearly dropping the phone while bowing down. “It’s—it’s from Billboard.”
The Legend rises up and snatches the phone from his shaking hands. “Hello, this is…well, I think you already know my name,” she cautiously greets the caller. She listens for a minute, feeling this moment. Then, her eyes widen. “THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW, FAN!” she exclaims, throwing the phone into the mouth of the giant lotus.
“SAY! she shouts, climbing on top of her red swivel chair, which slowly begins to rotate backwards. “‘Let There Be Love,'” just hit #1 on the Billboard Dance/Club/True Lovers Of Music—” she starts to announce, suddenly holding her left ear and delivering a 16-second melisma. “Ch-ha-ha-AH-AH-AH-ah-AH-ah-AH-ah-ARTS!”
A polite smattering of applause breaks out among the crew, who look around with confused eyes and forced smiles. “Have you ever heard that at a club?” a stagehand quickly asks the other. “Never,” he responds through gritted teeth. “Me either,” says another. “Is that even an official single?” a tiny voice asks aloud.
“SHUT UP—JUST SHUT UP, LESSERS!” she angrily demands, spitting out her gum into the crowd of confused workers. “They say I’ve topped both Donald Guetta and Demi Furtado with my self-empowerment anthem for the gays,” she chuckles, “both of whom I am unfamiliar with, but I wish them well in their journey. As you know, I’ve been in this industry for well over a decade. I’d like to thank you all for supporting me, and I’d also like to thank Mariah Carey for continuing to be irrelevant. The legacy lives on…still going strong!” she roars, now thrusting both fists into the air in victory. “LET THERE BE LOTUS!”
She tilts her head back and lets out an ear-splitting cackle.
The voice within rings out throughout the mansion; louder than the sound of “Ooh La La” playing softly from inside Baby Max’s nursery room, and louder than the muffled shrieks of dozens upon dozens of DJ’s and club promoters helplessly hogtied and piled on top of each other down in the dungeons of Legendtina’s Lair.