MARIAH-CAREY-BREATHE

SORRY, JUST HAVING A FESTIVE PRE-ORDER MOMENT.

Okay. Um. So, remember when Mariah Carey basically announced she was pulling a Beyoncé, thus rendering the Beyoncé-ness of the release null and void? And then her label was like “Yeah, I mean, that’s not really happening”?

Well, here’s what is actually happening: Mariah Carey has emancipated her new record for pre-order on iTunes tonight. The new album is called Me. I Am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse.

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Me. I Am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse.

In a way, she sort of did pull a Beyoncé with that album title. After all, it’s sort of like I Am…Sasha Fierce…ON CRACK.

To help explain this insanity, Mariah just uploaded a spoken word explanation featuring the already iconic diva-sized album covers, which only makes it even more insane.

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In short: The name’s inspired by a drawing she did of herself when she was 3 1/2-years old. How did she even know that she was exactly a half year into being 3 years old? Actually, Mariah WOULD know that.

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THIS IS ACTUAL ARTPOP.

Here’s here full speech, which I’ve just breathlessly transcribed…

On the back cover of this album is a personal treasure. This is my first and only self-portrait. I drew it when I was only 3 1/2, and entitled it ‘Me…I Am Mariah’ Please don’t judge me for such a simplistic title. C’mon, I WAS only 3 1/2. It was a creative visualization of how I saw myself with the purity of a child’s heart before it was ever broken. I kept this drawing private for so long, but because this album is a reflection of some of the peaks and valleys that have made me who I am today, I’ve decided to share it for those of who you actually care and have been here for me through it all. I been through a lot. But I’ve always known me. I am Mariah. Along the way, there’ve been a couple nicknames and I’ve embodied many personas. Lately, they’ve been calling me…the elusive chanteuse.

“Elusive chanteuse.” Why? Because there are way too much readily found chanteuses in this industry. We needed an elusive chanteuse.

But the best part isn’t what she’s saying, which is already good…it’s the WHISPERS, AD-LIBBED VOCALS AND ENDLESS GIGGLING IN THE BACKGROUND. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

AND THAT’S NOT EVEN EVERYTHING.

There is, inexplicably, a brand new version of Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel‘s “It’s A Wrap” featuring Mary J Blige (HUH?), as well as “Betcha Gon Know” with R Kelly (WUH?) Not since Britney‘s double inclusion of “Radar” on Blackout and Circus has a legend so effortlessly decided to keep putting the same song on new albums, just ’cause.

There’s a song called “Supernatural” that features Dem Babies, a song called “Thirsty” which is already the most important gay anthem of our time — and there is even a song that is quite literally called/spelled: “Money ($ * / …).” I. MEAN.

Lord help us. See us through. Nothing makes sense. Everything makes sense. It’s all so #beautiful.

mariah-omg

Cry
Faded
Dedicated (feat. Nas)
#Beautiful (feat. Miguel)
Thirsty
Make It Look Good
You’re Mine (Eternal)
You Don’t Know What To Do (feat. Wale)
Supernatural
Meteorite
Camouflage
Money ($ * / …) [feat. Fabolous]
One More Try
Heavenly (No Ways Tired/Can’t Give Up Now)
It’s a Wrap (feat. Mary J. Blige)
Betcha Gon’ Know (feat. R. Kelly)
The Art of Letting Go
Me. I Am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse
Digital Booklet – TBD Album PDF Booklet

Me. I Am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse will be released on May 27. (iTunes)