“Whose birthday?” she moans into her phone, rubbing her now deflated belly.

“Oh, I had no idea. She must be very honored to share it with my little one. Please send Madulla my regards — it’s really quite an achievement to turn 80,” she says before tossing the pink RAZR to the foot of the bed.

Last night — August 16, 2014 — in what was a 7-hour ordeal of heavy breathing, mysterious glittery blue goo and 5-octave range yelps (which doubled as a live recording for her forthcoming record Lotus: The Live Sessions), Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Aguilera delivered The Heir To The Throne at home in her lair — via SAY-section.

Like the Lord, the Mi Reflejo mother is now spending her Sunday afternoon resting in bed, softly humming “Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)” while knitting a pair of baby-sized “Dirrty” chaps made of yarn.

“Fan? Fan!” she suddenly shouts, putting down her needles as faniancé and recent model Matt Rutler comes scurrying in with a tray full of eggs, bagels, bacon and doughnuts.

“He-here, my love!” he offers the tray, trembling at her side.

“No, not today. I’m still not hungry. Not even sex for breakfast sounds appealing,” she weakly cackles. “Have you thought of a name yet?”

He looks up. A bead of sweat runs down his forehead as he considers the right words to SAY. “I…I was thinking maybe something simple but sweet, like Claire?”

Legendtina’s brow furrows as she picks up a doughnut from the tray and hurls it directly against his face. “We don’t use words like ‘simple‘ in this home!” she roars with what little energy of the voice within remains. “Think ADVANCED! Think AHEAD OF HER TIME!

Matt peels the chocolate frosting from his forehead. “Um, how about…Glametria? Or Vanityna?”

“Close,” the Bionic beauty decides as she slowly sits up in her royal bed, “but not quite.”

She closes her eyes, feeling this moment. “I’ve got it. We shall her call her —”

I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW MY NAME!” a tiny voice suddenly shrieks from the corner of the room. The entire household falls silent. A satisfied smirk falls over Legendtina’s lips. I’ve taught her well, she thinks.

From a dark corner, buried underneath thick layers of pink curtains and plush pillows in the shape of red lips and lotus flowers, a playful gurgle erupts from the crib.



Welcome to Earth, Babytina! ‘Tis a blessed day, indeed.