In times of great thirst and desperation and wait and see-ing for B9, fans of the Legendary Miss Britney Spears have a tendency to get a little, um…ahead of themselves.
Like, say, finding a newly registered song on BMI, deciding it’s the next single, deciding it’s dropping that very weekend, trending it on Twitter and then quickly spiraling into meltdown mode after realizing their self-induced panic was entirely for naught. (Just luv yourselves, B Army. Please.)
What we do know, however, is that Britney’s ninth studio album is coming — sooner rather than later. And, unlike fan forum-generated rumors, this news comes directly from the mouth of the Holy Spearit (and also Larry, Great Ruler of Fireworks) herself.
In an interview with the Las Vegas Sun last week just before the launch of Piece Of Me: Remixed, Reimagined and Still Iconic (which was life-changing, in case you missed my review), Larry gave us a few teeny, crucial details about the upcoming record.
THE ACTUAL B9 FACTS:
It’s not done, bitch. “Probably about 80% done.”
She really likes it, bitch. “She said ‘this is my favorite album that I’ve ever, ever done.'”
It’s different, bitch. “The last few albums have been sort of straightforward pop. This is different.”
Prepare for Vibezney, bitch. “This is almost like, if you can almost imagine Britney meets The Weeknd. It’s got a really kind of interesting vibe.”
She’s serving vocals, bitch. “She sounds amazing on it. She has not sounded better in…I don’t know when.”
It’s getting Personal, bitch. “She’s done a lot of writing on the album, also. I think it’s going to be really big.”
She’s not restricted entirely from performing elsewhere, bitch. “I don’t know that we would do Las Vegas — there are certain territorial restrictions…we might, might consider doing a few international runs here and there — y’know, go to Europe for three weeks, Asia for three weeks, something like that. That’s a possibility, but nothing is concrete.”
Granted, Larry also once described Britney Jean as having “a Ray Of Light Madonna vibe,” which…let’s not. But still!
The fact that the reference point of B9 is The Weeknd is very, very good. (If she records anything even close to “High For This” or “Coming Down,” the entire Britney community will be reduced to a puddle of watermelon bubblegum-scented goo.) Moodyney. Downtemponey. Atmosphericney. Expectations are now set in the #SomethingMoreVibe-y realm of “Touch Of My Hand” and “Welcome To Me,” as opposed to “I Wanna Go” — and I’m certainly not mad about that kind of artsy-fartsy sound.
Larry isn’t the only one talking that talk, though: B-Girl’s been hinting at her new album, too.
In her own interview with the The Las Vegas Sun, Brit didn’t really wanna be a tease, but she undid her zipper a little bit (please): “You’ll be hearing something new from me soon…very soon.” Such a cool, mysterious update.
She also talked about the new lasers in her show: “I love the look of lasers.” Same.
And that’s not all! The Tireless Queen of Promo gave her (heavily rumored) one-time fling Mario Lopez a tour of her Piece Of Me stage over the weekend to promote her revamped show — and then dared him to jump off her “Toxic” tree. (Not a euphemism, but probably also a euphemism.)
Side note: Her hysterical cackle as he makes that leap? My heart. My Queen.
Selflessly, she also blessed Lopez with the teeniest of new music teases: “I have a new album coming out soon, so it’s just like a taste of what’s to come. The new stuff isn’t actually in it yet, but there’s a lot of surprises…and there’s more to come this year that’s gonna be changed.”
“Soon.” “A taste. “Yet.” “More to come.” Oh, you want more? She’ll give you more…MOAH.
So, there’s that: Weekndney’s comin’, but she ain’t done just yet.
One thing we already knew? Mama’s still really thirsty for the D. That Hot nerd D. Stars — they’re just like us!
And just like her bass, she likes it big-gah.
Britney’s ninth studio album, tentatively titled Break The Fucking Ice And Gimme A Hot Nerd With A Really Big Penis, will be out soon…assuming she isn’t too busy daydreaming about Albert Einstein or having her way with the latest “Freakshow” slave.