OMFG It’s the 2010 MTV VMA’s–the glitz! the glamour! The meat purses!

Let’s cut the shit: The show was mostly boring. Taylor Swift sung a song about Kanye West, Kanye West sung a song about Kanye West, and no one gave a shit about Ke$ha.

First off, don’t even get me started on Nicki Minaj‘s performance during the pre-show.

Muusers, you should know by now how hard I go for that Harajuku Barbie, but that shit was a hot ass futuristic mess. I mean, come on–she just stood there! And looked a little nervous. And made stank faces when stank faces were not called for.

The worst offense of all was that she didn’t even performing one of her amazing features, but rather that horrendous Black Eyed Peas leftover, “Check It Out,” along with the premiere purveyor of pop trash, Will.I.Am.

Minaj, you deeply disappointed me with this one. Except for your ass, which kept its promise as usual.

Then Eminem started the show going all 8 Mile. It was fine and everything, but the whole time I kept thinking, “This would be so much better if Rihanna were out here crooning their #1 summer smash together.”

AND THEN THE LORD DELIVERED, and my red-haired Bajan princess arrived out of nowhere in a frilly white princess dress and skull-crushing leather boots looking and sounding like the flawless pop sensation she is.

Later on, an old timey television flickered turned on and showed clips of last year’s devastating “I’MMA LETCHU FINISH, BUT…” moment as the camera slowly panned out to find Taylor Swift looking devastated while singing a song about the man who did her dirty. “You’re 32 and still growing up,” the alien-eyed songstress sadly crooned.

As Kathy Griffin tweeted about this fuckery:

Holy shit. Did T Swift just sing a self righteous folk song about being oppressed by @kanyewest?? 4 fucksake, he didn’t rape her

Umm, what else? Bieber Fever performed and a thousand preteen tops came flying off, Drake was uninspiring and overrated as always, and Travie McCoy performed as everyone asked in unison: “Who?”

Then came Florence & The Machine and nothing else mattered.

One of my absolute favorites of 2009, the whimsical Ms. Welch utterly slayed her performance of “Dog Days Are Over.” ‘Twas magical, raw and energetic–the epitome of both her music and her artistry. And, oh! The colors, Duke! The colors! Dull blues and vibrant oranges! What a fabulous scene it was, and undoubtedly the finest performance of the night.

Then B.O.B. and Linkin Park performed and my mind began to wander so I started browsing Britney fan forums.

And all of a sudden, I heard Robyn singing what could have been a truly epic dub-step rendition of “Dancing On My Own,” but instead, MTV opted to cut to commercial roughly thirty seconds in. Fuck MTV, no justice, no peace, etc. etc. SHE WUZ ROBBED.

At some point late into the night, Cher suddenly strolled out for no reason at all wearing the “If I Could Turn Back Time” outfit to present the award for Best Video, which deservedly went to Lady Gaga for “Bad Romance.” Yes, from gay icon to future gay icon.

“I never thought I’d be asking Cher to hold my meat purse,” Gaga deadpanned after sliming her way on stage in her floppy meat dress.

Within her heartfelt acceptance speech (God ‘n’ gayz, y’all!), Mademoiselle Gaga also revealed the title for her upcoming third studio album: Born This Way, which is in reference to–brace yourselves–the gay community.

But before anyone had a chance to digest the raw meat, Kanye West showed up in a bright red suit to debut his new self-congratulatory ode, “Runaway,” in which he warbles on about raising a glass to douchebags in an attempt to further beat a thoroughly dead horse.

Some people got it. Some people didn’t. It didn’t really matter–the beat was sick, and it was all quite visually appealing what with the dainty ballerinas against the stark white space of the stage.

And then the show ended, and that was that.

In summation: Chelsea Handler was the only thing that kept this slowly sinking ship from capsizing completely, and Britney Spears neither performed nor attended the MTV 2010 VMA’s. As a result, the show was but a sad sputtering of over-hyped mediocrity.

Except for this moment. This totally ruled.