So, since so many of my Muusers (three actual requests) have been demanding that I do a weekly wrap-up of the X Factor performance night. I’ve decided to fulfill those wishes/dreams/desires. The show was boring in spots, so I’ve decided to highlight only the moments I had things to say about. Makes sense, right? Good. We’re on a roll.

Treyc Cohen. Amazing. Oh my God.

I love the jailbait that is One Direction, both for their knack for life-threatening injuries (like when one of them hurt their foot playing in the ocean during the auditions) and their ability to elicit pantie-wetting shrieks from the audience (myself included) for merely standing on the stage. They sang Kelly Clarkson‘s “My Life Would Suck Without You” which is kind of genius for them, and the results were pretty good-ish.

Then came the judging, and Cheryl just couldn’t keep it in her pants. Seriously. So much so, that she forced Simon to restrain her from pulling a Paula right in the middle of a live show. It went like this:

Cheryl: “You boys are just so cute and I–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “Everyone loves you so much, and I–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “Don’t know what it is, I just–”
Simon: “Cheryl.”
Cheryl: “–just so cute, I just want to–”
Simon: “CHERYL.”

Brilliant.

And then came the announcement that Cher Lloyd was up next, and so the seas parted and surging claps of thunder rang out across the land and all of God’s creatures nestled together to watch the Almighty Lloyd perform.

In the now usual Lloyd fashion, the young Cherylita was both simultaneously shit and amazing in the most awe-inspiring of ways with her weird-but-great performance of Jay-Z‘s “Hard Knock Life”: The chorus–AMAZING. What pipes! The rap: Spot on! But the awkward moments in between…OH, THE AWKWARD, MEDIOCRE VERSES. I just don’t understand what’s happening there, but then the pretty dancers distracted my brain and then I start remembering how amazing her audition was and then the next chorus comes and she’s really good again and my brain just sort of goes “Well, I give up. YOO AH RAHYT UP MAY STREET.”

I love you, Cheroleeza Lloyd.

And then Diva Fever happened and they ruined music for all of mankind once again.

If the British public has any sense of decency, they’ll do away forever with this tragic mess of ‘entertainment’ once and for all. But if Jedward is any indication of a camp act’s staying power on X Factor then…oh, Cheezus Christo.

Then came Rebecca Ferguson, and everything in the world was right again. The judges were on the money in their critiques (i.e. Dannii describing her as making classic feel modern, James Bond theme, etc.). Rebecca delivered a chic, smart, tight performance of Nina Simone‘s classic “Feeling Good.” Loved everything about this–the look, the sound, the drama (not too much drama!) Everything was just right.

Then came Ellie Goulding Diana Vickers Katie Waissel, who proved to have a surprisingly strong night, stripping it back a bit for a pretty amazing rendition of Etta James‘ (one of my favorite classic songstresses!) “I’d Rather Go Blind.” To be fair, all I kept thinking about was how much she looks like a cross between Martina from Dragonette and Nelly Furtado, but in the fleeting moments where I actually listened to her sing, I found it to be v, v good.

And then–OH! Belle Amie! This is HANDS DOWN my number one favorite girl group to be named after a gay porn production agency.

They sang “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks, and it was somewhere between Girls Aloud at their least amazing and The Saturdays at their most amazing…so it was sort of very good! “There aren’t many girl groups in this country that are as good as what I saw tonight,” Simon remarked while sitting next to former girl group member, Cheryl Cole. Ahem.

On a similar note, in the too real moment of the night: Cheryl Cole, on Belle Amie arguing over lead solos: “Sometimes other people just sound better on other songs, and that’s just something you have to accept.” *Awkward silence* *Nuhdeen‘s Irish Mist Burger comes flying on screen and slaps into Cheryl’s face.*

But it was Mary Byrnes, faithful Tesco worker and beloved jewel of Britain, who graced the stage and proceeded to BLOW. ME. AWAY. Seriously, performance of the night by FAR. From the very first note, she had chills running straight down my spine. Spot-on performance, classic vocals. Insanely amazing. As Cheryl Cole so eloquently stated: “I GET GOOSEBUMPS ALL OVER. I RESPECT YOU AS A WOMAN.”

Oh, and Matt Cardle. You did rull good too–amazing, actually. I mean…you did it. You hit the High C!

And…that’s everything that happened that you should care about, really. Thank you for your time.