Boy, they’re really clobbering this whole Elton John thing to death, aren’t they?
This week’s X Factor theme was “Elton John Night,” in honor the same man who only a few weeks prior went on a queeny rant against X Factor, talent shows, Simon Cowell and popular music in general, which caused Louis and Simon to go on their own queeny rants against Elton John during the “Guilty Pleasures” episode a few weeks ago.
Naturally, X Factor responded to the whole situation in the only way it knows how–by celebrating Elton John’s contributions to popular music with BIG, FLASHY PERFORMANCES!
I’m already bored.
Luckily Paije Richardson was first, which meant we’d be getting the major duds out of the way first. He sang “Crocodile Rock.” It was boring and excessive and grating. Sweet boy, but worst ever. (WATCH)
Louis Walsh started out the night’s critiques by rightly pointing out (!!!) that the song selection sucked, to which Dannii shoved her hands in his face and made snip-snappy crocodile hand motions like she does when her music manager tries to tell her that her latest single just flopped in the UK Charts.
Cheryl announced that she wasn’t familiar the song rendering her criticisms entirely irrelevant, and Simon said Paije could never win with that performance. He’s right.
My brooding boyfriend Aiden Grimshaw came next to perform “Rocket Man,” wearing a shimmery silver tux and a La Roux-vian shock/Snooki poof of hair. He also stood on top of two pianos, which was neat I guess. (WATCH)
It was really a terrible rendition, but the judges seemed to (mostly) praise the performance. Probably because he’s SO FUCKING HOT.
And then came ‘THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION’: Mary Byrnes.
Really though, the common people are stanning hard for this bitch–so much so that the Tesco workers in Ireland have guarded off the register she worked at for good luck or some shit. People are even taking pictures next to it! Ah, the sweet smell of fame (and the bread section in Aisle 7).
Mary sang “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” but first, a question: Is there some sort of bet going on backstage amongst the stylists over how much they can get away with loading this poor woman down with exceedingly more black drapery and heavy jewelry each week? I mean, for GOD’S SAKE. Can we please stop raiding grandma’s costume jewelery collection, gays? (WATCH)
Oh, and the performance was aiight–the last note was the best–but it did feel awfully heavy-handed. Luckily Mary has “heart” as Simon pointed out, therefore she shall do no wrong amongst the good people of the UK.
Katie Weasel returned (yet again) to ruin my life (yet again) this week.
Decked out in a leather jacket and surrounded by a ridiculous band of wannabe bad ass back-up dancers, the she-devil shouted her way through a truly heinous rendition of “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” with the vocal range of a chainsaw. (WATCH)
I seriously must be on crack or something (well, I am), because I found myself agreeing with Louis yet again–that blew so hard!
Cheryl got a bit peeved/ghetto after hearing Louis’ comments and started yelling “WHICH SONG WUDJA PICK THEN?!” to which Louis did nothing but give that ho some side-eye. Simon got on his high horse (despite being incredibly wrong about Katie Weasel) by claiming that she’s not boring (wrong), she’s not predictable (wrong), and that she’s got a fighter’s spirit (right, but not something that should be rewarded here.)
Cheryl had nothing of value to add thereafter, instead simply pointing out: “AY ADMAYUH YO RUSILIAYNCE.” Shaking my head.
Matt Cardle performed “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” which is a very challenging and warbly number. Luckily, Matt Cardle has a very capable voice for challenging and warbly numbers, which resulting in yet another incredibly strong performance. (WATCH)
Sadly, I spent most of the time thinking about Camile Velasco‘s performance of the same song before she got kicked out of American Idol Season 3. Firstly: I watch too many singing competitions. Secondly: Whatever happened to her? I LOVED YOU, CAMILE.
AND THEN THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD ARRIVED, AND THE LION LAID NEXT TO THE LAMB TO HEAR THE GOOD LLOYD’S SWEET AND LOVELY TIDINGS.
WAIT. IS–IS THAT CHERYL COLE? No wait, can’t be. This one’s got a good voice. It’s Cher! (WATCH)
Looking her most glamorous and gorgeous yet, the darling Cherylita was truly dressed to the nines tonight complete with glam–o-rama make-up, sleek, metallic robo-leggings and a flattering blazer straight out of the wardrobe for Cheryl’s “Promise This” performance.
The Lloyd sang a mash-up of “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word” and Eminem‘s “Mockingbird,” complete with a rappy middle bit and some signature swagga all around. It was completely on-point and sensational, and the judges all agreed and complimented her for taking last week’s criticism well and being a levelheaded 17-year-old.
I can haz recording contract now? Please and thank you.
Then Wagner sucked because he sucks. Goodbye. (WATCH)
One Direction came out next and the girls and gays in the audience all pooped their pants while the boys of One Direction all popped mini-boners standing next to Emma Watson on the red carpet for the Harry Potter premiere.
The lady boys sang “The Way You Look Tonight” on top of light-boxes while dramatic close-up shots of their faces flashed on screen (which, for the record, never ceases to be amazingly hilarious.) It was actually kind of good if you ignore the fact that not a single one of them knows how to properly harmonize with each other. (WATCH)
The judges all over-showered them with praise and made impossible claims of excellence and the crowd died.
Finally, it was up to the lovely and talented Rebecca Ferguson to round out the night and provide us all with a much-needed lesson in grace, elegance and dignity (as always). She performed “Candle In The Wind,” a legendary number fit for one of the most worthy and wonderful of contestants. (WATCH)
‘Twas beautiful, though Mizz Minogue summarized it best: “So. Damn. Classy.” Preach.
And there you have it.
I HOPE YOU LOVED IT, ELTON.
FOR THE WIN:
Girls: Cher, with Rebecca close behind
Over 28′s: Mary
Boys: Matt
Groups: I’d rather not.