Muuses

Britney Spears: I Wanna Go (Video Review)

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOU: IT’S THE VIDEO PREMIERE OF BRITNEY‘S I WANNA GO.”

You think you’re ready for this? *Hands seashells.* Well, alright then…LEZ GO.

Hotney Godney’s just got mo’ fame, mo’ problems in the Chris Marrs Piliero-directed video for the third single from the Holy Spearit’s seventh studio album, Femme Fatale.

Quickly tiring of a totes boring press conference in which the sensual seductress dodges questions about puppies and bay-behs, Queen B hits the street to gallivant and stir up some saucy fun for no reason in particular. Why?! Because it’s PUNKRAWKNEY, B!TCH, and SHE DON’T GIVE A FACK WUTCHU THANK!!11!

But then, UGH. FANS. Fine. Okay. So lame. WHATEVER.

And then, making like me on a Sunday afternoon stroll through Greenwich Village, Brit Brit flashes her bitties at a sexy ass police officer for a quick pat ‘er up. WUT? She’s gotta get her rocks off too, you know!

And then–OH GOD, THE PESKY PAPARAZZI. ALWAYS FOLLOWING MY BRIT BRIT. WHY WON’T THEY JUST LET HER LIVE?!

Luckily, she’s GOT A PLAN (GET NAKED). And after a quick *Body double leap onto taxi*, Brit Brit gets her Gogo Yubari from Kill Bill Vol. 1 on and swangs her handy microphone like she’s lassoing for a bowl of cheese grits. SLAYIN’ ‘EM H8RS!

“Threat Assessment: Known to chew on ice and do 1,000 sit ups a day.” (AMAZING.)

And then the paps get all Terminator and shit! But it’s fine, because that dude at the press conference (Guillermo Diaz) comes zooming in to rescue the Living Legend. Blessed be!!!

Now they be driving and generally wildin’ out. Then, for no reason whatsoever, B’s new frenemy decides to take a nice, warm milky shower on his highway ride. LUCKY US!!! We haven’t seen such a hairy thing getting moist for an awkwardly long period of time since the noble steed in “Neighdar”! Follow that unicorn on the road to love, sir!

And then we’re back at the press conference, and–IT WAS ALL JUST A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM.

OR WUZ IT?!?!?!!!!1

Clearly this is all an incredibly brilliant, elaborate metaphor about the hazards of living in a celebrity-obsessed society and a searing glimpse into the Spears lifestyle and the robo-man helping her out is clearly a blend of Adnan Ghalib/Sam Lutfi and BLAH DEE BLAH BLAH LUH BLEE, LUH LEE, LUH BLEE BLEE BLEE BLEE.

Oh, Brit Brit. You such a silly bitch.

2011: YEAR OF THE SPEARS.