Britney. Jennifer Lopez. Katy Perry. Jessica Simpson. It seems as though every day another pop icon announces the release of their debut fragrance.
Yet much as with the Hot 100 Billboard Chart, not every pop diva will get her due recognition in the cluttered shelves of your local perfumerie. In fact, some will downright flop to the bottom.
Inspired by a tweet this morning from Kween Legendtina Q. Agholyiera in which she announced the (impossibly amazing) name of her upcoming scent Secret Potion, I thought it’d be beneficial to do a quick round-up of the lesser known fragrances set to hit the streets later this year at gas stations and health clinics nationwide.
Delusional by Kat Deluna
Green with envy? Stay pressed! Flavored with unstoppable top notes of spicy pepper and flowery whisps of Belgium-grown orchids (the only territory in which this fragrance will be sold), Deluna’s luscious new scent Delusional is the essential quick spritz before heading off for Party O’Clock. Worried about overpowering your man with your new scent? Don’t be–hardly anyone will notice! No, really.
Note: The scent will be packaged and sold as Jennifer Lopez’s Love? Glow in 2012.
Basic Scent by Cedric
With its fruity combination of blood and sweat, aided by a tasty blend of extension glue and a lingering trace of once-warmed over french fry oil, Ciara’s Basic Scent transforms every Go Girl into the epitome of empowered elegance and class–whether you’re running the street, checking under the couch cushions for a few extra cents with La La, leaving un-returned voicemails for The-Dream, piling puppies into over-sized Louis Vuitton purses or simply visiting the chiropractor after one back-bend too many!
Caution: Scent easily overpowered when worn in the presence of Rihanna‘s Reb’l Fleur or Beyonce‘s Heat.
Syphilicious by Tila Tequila
“I don’t want to tell anybody,” Tila Tequila once famously sung in her unreleased gem, “Hideaway.” And that’s exactly how you’ll feel after dousing yourself in a douche-tastic deluxe spray of Syphilicious, the pint-size pop star’s luscious new fragrance! With its powerful mixture of sugary-sweet Dollar Mart lip gloss and the distinct scent of a drunken behind-the-bar handjob at the local Hula Hank’s, Tequila’s noxious new fragrance dares wearers to ask: “Wait, is this urine that I’m wearing right now?”
Note: The first 5,000 boxes come with a complimentary at-home STD kit.
Schmitz by Nicole Scherzinger
There’s no need to hold your breath when inhaling Scherzy Baby’s latest! The sweet, supple scent of Puakenikeni flowers, Carmit Bachar‘s blood, Cheryl Cole‘s tears and the (only slightly physically damaging) tart notes of arsenic comprise Schmitz: The ultimate fragrance for any Queen basking in the glory and grandeur of true pop royalty and dominance. Ah, Eau d’Pussycat!
Please note: Customers have reported many issues with getting the bottle to successfully pump for the first time out of the box. After repeated failed attempts, the fragrance may be returned for a full warranty and complimentary copy of Eden’s Crush‘s debut album.
Where The Fuck Am I I Don’t Even by Sarah Harding
Sure, every one of the other Girls Aloud members have achieved some sort of solo fame in music at this point–but watch out world, ’cause Harding’s coming har-har-hard!
Sprinkled with bum notes and an overwhelming amount of shame and regret, this uniquely open top fragrance allows its wearers to simultaneously drink and lavishly coat themselves with Harding’s potent potion. Going down to the club? Heading down to the pub? Drinking alone at home? Go ahead and chug! What does it actually smell like? FUCK OFF!
Note: Do not wear while operating heavy machinery or performing on live television.