Disclaimer: I really can’t with Katy Perry, so prepare to sip on some serious haterade.

Earlier today, Professional Plastic Bag Kitty Purry unveiled the teaser trailer for “The One That Got Away,” her eleventy millionth single off of 2010’s Teenage Dream.

As you can see/hear, there’s a lot of dramatic narration. Something vague about losing someone, or love, or the past being like a handful of dust or some shit. But Katy looks so happy with her man! Yes! They’re dancing around, all merry and whatnot! But then, uh oh! Things seem to be going awry! She looks sad now. Like, rill sad, y’all. Fuck, they’re fighting! OOF. Something tells me all’s not well with this relationship.

But wait, doesn’t something feel astonishingly, err…familiar about this?


Narratively speaking, cinematographically speaking…it’s just a shameful “We Found Love” regurgitation, except rather than starring an objectively bad-ass bitch Illuminati Princess, it features the blow-up doll that brought us such stereotype-affirming classics as “Ur So Gay” and “I Kissed A Girl.” (Nothing says we’re all fireworks inside like telling your effeminite boyfriend to hang himself with his H&M scarf, right Katy?)

All I can say is: God help this wretched woman if drugs shoot out of her breasts in this video.

As a reminder, Perry’s gone to #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with all five of her Teenage Dream singles, thus tying the KING OF POP Michael Jackson‘s record for most #1’s from a single album. If “The One That Got Away” goes to #1, she will have broken Jackson’s record.

So before visiting iTunes, think about your life. Think about your choices, and think about the pop culture history you’d like to bestow upon future generations.

Thank you for your time.