Brace yourselves for literally the worst news you’ve ever heard in your entire life…ever.
Rachel Stevens, flawless ex-S Club 7 member, Jewish Pop Princess, and songstress behind one of the ’00’s greatest pop albums of all time (2005’s Come And Get It), has quietly recorded a third studio album. The problem?
IT’S A CHILDREN’S ALBUM.
Yes, you heard me right: A children’s album. Like, for babies. Not for adults. Not pop music–baby music.
The album is called Tasty Tunes (I just vomited), a 5-track collection that the new mother recorded in order to teach her daughter about healthy eating.
From Sexy Stevens:
Rachel Stevens has recorded a collection of songs about fruit and veg to encourage kids to eat their five-a-day. The former S Club 7 star has performed a number of well-known nursery rhymes with a food twist to help youngsters to get into healthy eating habits. The songs are available as free downloads from children’s food firm Ella’s Kitchen following research which showed that engaging with fruit and vegetables outside meal-times encouraged them to eat.
Rachel Stevens – “Yummy, Yummy, Yum”
If you particularly hate your life, you can have a listen to a few of songs right here, including “In The Fruit Bowl On The Tree” and (GULP) “Yummy, Yummy, Yum.” (What are the odds one of these was produced by Xenomania?)
Like, okay: I get it. You’re a mom now. That’s amazing. But you also recorded “So Good.” And “Crazy Boys.” And “Some Girls.” You can’t just do this to us. What about US, Rachel?! WHAT ABOUT US?!
While you’re at it Stevens, you might as well record a complete children’s edition of all your past hits! Think of all the options you have: “Sweet Dreams My Snuggly Wuggly Widdle Boo Bear,” “So Goo-Goo,” “Breathe In, Burp Out,” and even “I Said Never Again (BRB Changing A Diaper).” UGH. JUST BREAK MY HEART FOREVER, OKAY?!
To prevent me from drowning myself in a giant tub of Gerber’s pureed bananas, let’s reflect on a better time–a simpler time. A time when music was good and Rachel Stevens was not recording songs called “Yummy, Yummy, Yum.”
Sigh…
BABIES RUIN LIVES.
