As we already know from an interview with RCA’s Joe Riccitelli, Britney‘s taking a break from music in 2012.
I’m so, so, so happy that Britney’s getting some much-deserved rest in the new year…but my God, I hate fuckin’ waiting!
Yesterday, Britney fans made no less than three topics trend on Twitter worldwide throughout the day (“I’m A Slave 4 Britney,” “Love 2 Love Britney” and “Britney Is Our Queen”). It was totally fun! But unfortunately, trending topics never last long until that sinking feeling comes once again.
To help us all get through the next 12-24 lonely months of Britlessness, I’ve compiled a few helpful tips for how you can best occupy your time in the interim. Don’t go crazy: Let’s go-o-o all the way-y-y until we get that eighth studio album!
1.) Demand that December 2 be considered
a national holiday.
Yesterday, we watched as people from every nation called for an end to the overabundance of SOPA (or “soup” in Spanish) by banding together and celebrating Britney’s 2007 masterpiece, Blackout. It was a powerful and inspiring moment that no doubt left Campbell’s shaking in their boots.
But I say…why stop there?
Each day this year, place a call to your local House representative urging them to consider December 2 as a national holiday to obverse The Holy Spearit’s blessed day of birth. It’s long overdue! We shouldn’t be working on this day–we should be dancing. I mean…if Christopher Columbus gets his own day for, like, discovering America or whatever, then I’m pretty sure Britney deserves at least one day for blessing us with “Toxic.”
OH RIGHT, BECAUSE WE’RE NOT GETTING NEW MUSIC THIS YEAR.
3.) Go back to school.
That’s right, kids: It’s time to gather your school supplies, ’cause we’re about to learn you somethin’ good! Knowledge is the key to freedom (I think I read that on a Snapple top or something), so unlock your mind and set your brain free! There are many Brit Brit-approved classes to choose from, including…
• Equestrian Studies: (Course Material)
• Folklore & Folklife: (Course Material)
• Zoology: (Course Material)
• Queer Studies: (Course Material)
4.) Practice your moves.
The fact that Britney’s not around right now doesn’t give you an excuse to stop rehearsing. Our Queen has provided us legendary steps–from the signature “…Baby One More Time” boob shimmy, to the “Slave 4 U” hip twerk, to the “Criminal” classy arm choreography. Learn every single move from:
• Britney’s Dance Beat
• Darrin’s Dance Grooves
• Dream Within A Dream Tour
• The Onyx Hotel Tour Showtime Bootleg You Totally Burned to a DVD-R
• Shaky Fan Circus Tour YouTube Videos
• The Femme Fatale Tour DVD
• Every music video. Yes, even “Someday (I Will Understand).” GIVE ME PREGNANCY REALNESS!
If you don’t know the moves, you’re not really a fan. Now get on the floor…and give me 1,000 crunches!
5.) Eat. Like, a lot.
Sometimes, the easiest way to get through prolonged hardship is to sleep. Consider the thought of hibernation! Squirrels gather nuts. Bears gather…like, I don’t know, bear things. Dead things? Probably. Anyway: Stock up on the essentials, eat forever, and then settle in for a long, long snooze. See you next Tuesday (of next year)!
• Chocolate chip cookie dough
• Cheese grits
• Starbucks frappes
6.) Begin a diary.
Start each entry with “Dear diary, today I saw a boy…” for full effect.
7.) Craft friendship necklaces.
Let’s get real, sister honey child: Britney Spears is 99% responsible for the friendships we form in our adult lives. Those who do not trust in Godney cannot be trusted in life, period.
To strengthen these friendships, consider gathering a bunch of pals: Form a prayer circle, light a few vanilla candles, and craft beaded necklaces (and/or Holy Spearit rosary beads) with each other while recalling hilarious personal Britney anecdotes.
Or, if you’re completely friendless, grab your cat Mr. Mittens, pop in some “My Baby,” pour yourself a glass of bubbly and just get crafty with it!
8.) Drive somewhere.
Literally anywhere! Boom boom baybeh, pick yourself up in your Mercedes!
9.) Prepare an end of the world party.
Did you know? That’s happening. That is–unless you’re prepared. Simply seek out a local manhole (AY! I mean a sewer!) and start filling it up with sexy dancers (preferably shirtless), random pieces of scrap metal, and really, really bright lights. Remember: If it suddenly feels like there’s poop everywhere, you know that you’re doing it right.
When December 21 finally hits, you’ll all be way too busy dancing and doing tiny claps to notice the demon bats and zombie clowns running amok on the Earth’s surface above and turning the world as we knew it into a fiery, volcanic death zone of misery, blood and nuclear rain. Kick ball change!
10.) Start planning for Album 8 NOW.
Sure, it’s not coming out until at least 2013 or 2014, but there’s no reason our bodies shouldn’t start getting ready for Queen B’s grand return! Fire up Photoshop and start crafting homemade album covers, track titles, tour setlists and fake lyrics.
We’re all still holding our breath for Original Doll to happen, so…make it happen!
What sort of sound do you want to hear? Electro-pop? Klezmer? Screamcore? Sounds good. And what kind of producers should Brit Brit work with? Stargate? Merzbow? Dr. Dre? It’s entirely up to you!
And when you’re finished, don’t forget to upload it and post it on forums so that you confuse and enrage the world with rumors, gossip and misinformation!
Whatever you decide to do, just remember to…