OH MY GODNEY. Where have you been? So much has happened in The World of B. Let’s get in the zone.
Today is the TCA 2012! Wait, the Teen Choice Awards were yesterday though. But no! This is another thing called the TCA! Well, what’s this one? It’s the Television Critics Association’s semi-annual press tour! Um, what?
It’s like, networks promoting their shows to journalists, who in turn promote those shows to us, who in turn consume the shows and that’s how television works or whatever. BUT BRITNEY HAD TO DO IT, SO IT FUCKING MATTERS.
Just this early morning (REFERENCE), Our Holy Spearit touched down in Miami for this week’s X Factor boot camp taping with her bb Jason looking like a GOT. DAMN. “I Love Rock N’ Roll” bad ass bitch with her fuck off studded leather jacket, fuck me pumps and lack of fucks to give ‘tude. (Or, as my friend Kyle referred to the ensemble: “Ready-to-wear ‘Till The World Ends’.”)
YOU’RE ON FIYAH, B!
The first X Factor promotional photos also premiered today, and we all learned something important about television: If you’re a rich network executive that chooses to spend about $16 million to have Britney Spears on your show, that means you’ve also decided to fire your entire graphic design department and let your 7-year old nephew have a go at Photoshop for the first time in his life because these promotional photos are EMBARRASSING. AS. FUCK.
Just take the So Very Natural one featured at the top of this post for instance, which sort of looks like the judges were hot glue-gunned into a giant box of Colorforms! LOOK AT L.A. REID’S ARM. Oh, and the Brit Brit solo shot. Look: Our Living Legend is physically incapable of taking a bad photo (LITERALLY EVER), but this is kind of…
I’m allowed to say these things because it comes from a loving place. And when you love someone, you can tell them that their promo photos are a bit of a tickety-tack hot Photoshop mess shot during the floppiest audition date ever (THANKS A LOT, GREENSBORO) and completely pale in comparison to their actual stunning, Heaven On Earthney self. What is that hair? I’m just saying–the Lordney looked like this, without Photoshop, in Providence.
Later on, the judges appeared on a live-feed for the TCA and regaled the critics with their banter and shenanigans. Britney said things about signing up for the show (“My makeup artist was the same makeup artist for Simon and we talked about it a couple times when I was on tour”), her judging style (“I’m a very honest person”) and then, at one point, apparently delivered the most legendary line ever.
“I love live music,” explained the Living Legend Who Definitely Doesn’t Get Shit For Lip-Syncing From Her Haters Ever.
(I swear to God, if even ONE of you triflin’ motherfuckers comment on this post about Britney not being able to sing, I will come armed with that cut-n-splice stan-created YouTube video of every flaw-free live performance. I’ll do it, and you will take many seats.)
And while the X Factor promos are sort of whatever, Brit Brit looked like a TOTAL QT PIE during the TCA live feed.
Oh yeah, and B’s not the only diva making headlines today: News broke during the conference that Mariah Carey will be festively replacing Jennifer Lopez on the judges panel of American Idol this year. And if you do the math correctly, then yes: Between The Holy Spearit on X Factor, Mimi on Idol and Legendtina on The Voice, the pop gauntlet has been thrown–’tis the season of the diva, y’all! FASTEN YOUR WIGS!
Now, we have nothing to do but turn to Page 167 in our Holy Spearit Scriptures (today’s reading is in The Book of Blackout, Track 6: Verse 1) as we wait patiently for the Queen to shade and shine at boot camp on the X Factor later this week.
Have fun getting some sun in Florida, B!