We’ve (mercifully) reached the end of 2015; the precious few days in between Christmas and the New Year.
There’s a stillness in the air: The roar of a million “Best Of” retrospectives being published at the same time is dying down, and holiday songs new and old (#JusticeForMyOnlyWishThisYear) are quickly being plucked from mall playlists.
It’s time now to reflect on the year that passed: The places we went. The mistakes we made. The people we did. The people we did by mistake.
Actually, let’s skip that reflection shit.
It’s also a time to set goals, make plans and scribble down positive affirmations in our vision boards and Dear Diaries for the new year. So, rather than looking back (…baby) one more time at 2015, I’d like to look ahead.
Because Britney’s happiness is my happiness, and because life is just a series of random events that happen in between Britney albums, I’d rather move into 2016 thinkin’ about you, B.
Britney’s ninth studio album — code name #B9, BRI9NEY, Blackout 2.0, Britney Jean II: It Gets Personal-er — is coming, and it’s feeeeeeels nice (REFERENCE) so far.
The producers and songwriters involved in B9 to date are all cool, urban and left-lane: Burns, Justin Tranter, Julia Michaels, DJ Mustard, Matthew Koma to name just a few. The recording process is happening much more slowly over time rather than, say, an album rush-released in time for the launch of a Las Vegas residency.
Personally? My hope is for #SomethingMoreVibe-y and experimental — I’m thinking “Touch Of My Hand”-meets-“Unusual You” — mixed with #SomethingMoreUrban and chilly, a la “Perfect Lover.” Also, a pulsating sequel to “Breathe On Me.” And a reunion with Bloodshy & Avant, please.
And if we’re really, really desperate to recruit another cool and interesting rapper friend for a BFF anthem, let’s just go with Sabi and her pot full o’ steaming vegetables again. Thank you!
2. Piece Of Me: Twister Dance Remix
Piece Of Me is getting a major facelift in 2016.
According to early reports, nearly 50-70% of the show is being switched up for early February — which means she BETTER BE ADDING “Born To Make You Happy (Bonus Remix),” throat clear at the beginning and all. There’s a lot of noise about including “Overprotected” — I mean, obviously it should be added — but what about “Don’t Go Knockin’ On My Door” and “Breathe On Me”? Priorities, people.
In any case, begin planning your pilgrimages to the Holy Land accordingly.
When she isn’t sharing artwork found on Google Images and Live Love Laugh memes your aunt posted on Facebook, B-Girl has decided to super casually drop a steady stream of brand new, fiyah hot promotional photos across social media in the past few weeks. The latest one, shared last night by stylist Glenn Nutley, got me all the way fucked up.
#SexySunday is officially a new national holiday in the Britney world. If you don’t observe, you’re a fake fan. Sorry! It’s just the rules.
But the new photos are going beyond the confines of B’s Instagram: In fact, they’ve just taken down the old Piece Of Me art outside of Planet Hollywood and replaced it with a fierce new promo photo, which loyal Britney Army soldiers have been stanning for ever since it was a digital rendering. (Look, we don’t have a lot to do right now.)
The shaking and crying is well deserved: It’s possibly her best photo in years: I’m seeing “Till The World Ends” wild tresses-meets-“The Way You Make Me Feel” Bodyney with Michael Jackson. (Not sure about that gesture with her fingers, though. Is it meant to be a “3” reference or an Illuminati shout-out? Probably both.)
4. Award Showney
Being the exceptional earner that she is, Britney was invited to about a half dozen major award shows for no real damn reason in 2015. And, whether suffering in her seat through an endless stream of basics before accepting her Candie’s Choice Style Icon Award at the Teen Choice Awards, radiating like a true Golden Gladiator Goddessney at the Video Music Awards or presenting at the 2015 ESPYs in a clear and obvious attempt to troll the fanbase and keep their hopes burning bright for some Super Bowlney action in 2016 (unless there’s still hope of a cameo, still? Hmm…), B gave us some truly great award show moments.
Expect even more of that in 2016, beginning with the People’s Choice Awards on January 6, which she’s already confirmed to attend. She’s up for Favorite Social Media Celebrity and, assuming she doesn’t let up on those aforementioned selfies and memes, she’s got this one in the hashtag bag.
Plus: With an album on the way, it’s not unreasonable to assume there will be least a performance or two coming our way later this year.
So go ahead Twitter ‘insider info’ accounts with 12 followers: Start throwing the fandom into a tizzy with all those surprise performance rumors — ’cause you’ll probably be right at least once in 2016.
5. Britney Spears: American Dream
For the idle time Britney’s Bitches will spend in between thinkin’ about B9 and listenin’ to B9 this year, Brit Brit has graciously decided to roll out another Spearitual distraction with her forthcoming Glu Mobile bestseller, Britney Spears: American Dream, a mobile game by the makers of Kim Kardashian: Hollywood, in which players have to, um, record “hit singles”…and “promote”…to “drive your songs up the charts”…
It all sounds a bit like subtle shade directed at B’s promo skills if you ask me (RT a Brazilian Fan for 50 points! Use “Wait & See” attack on enemy interviewers for 350 points!), but I am nonetheless prepared to dominate the music scene under the tutelage of the Legendary Miss Britney Spears.
Between this new game, Twister Dance and Britney’s Dance Beat, it’s safe to say that she’s all but guaranteed to be on stage this time next year receiving her Virtual Legend Lifetime Achievement Award at the 2016 Game Awards. When will Katy Perry Pop?
6. Are You Ready for What’s Next?
The greatest blessing and curse of being a Britney fan is that there is always something just around the corner — whether it’s an unannounced string of concert dates at the House Of Blues (M+Ms reunion tour in 2016, please!), a surprise cameo on stage with Madonna or a vintage line of Brintimates.
It is our lifeblood. The blessed unrest. The very essence of what keeps us going: The Waiting and The Seeing.
So. What’s in store for the rest of 2016?