As we, the chosen people of Godney, prepare our bodies for the impending pop revolution known as “Sexy Sexy”–a song that was likely recorded in a sports jacket and a sparkly diaper–we’ve just been blessed with a lil’ bit of Britmas.
After seemingly dozens of behind-the-scenes photographs, tweets, and videos, the time has finally come: The commercial for Britney’s game-changing Twister Dance, has leaked. (Not to be confused with the full music video for “Till The World Ends (Twister Dance Remix)”, which arrives tomorrow at midnight at RockTheSpots.com.)
Remember to breathe (on me) and hold your body (against me), because you don’t even know (what it’s like to be me).
The promo clip we’ve been waiting for all summer to see includes, but is not limited to:
+ Flawless footwork
+ Handography, used for both dancing and signalling Jason to bring her another Strawberry Frappe
+ At least one signature Brit hairflip
+ Iconic mouthing of the word “Dancing”
+ “ROCK THE SPOTS,” which is officially the new “FOR THOSE WHO THINK YOUNG”
+ Approximately 2.75 actual seconds of Danceney
According to financial analysts with expertise in the children’s toy industry, Mattel, Sanrio and LEGO are expected to announce their impending bankruptcy early next week. On a related note, manufacturers of toy soldiers are also shutting down at an alarming pace worldwide. As one manufacturer noted in an Excluusive statement to MuuMuse: “She’s coming back, looking delicious…I’d venture a guess that new Britney’s on a mission.”
Apart from the most influential and iconic pieces of advertising since the Pepsi Generation campaign, the legendary Miss Britney Spears will also be gracing the couches of The Ellen DeGeneres Show (pray for more caroling), Jimmy Kimmel Live! (pray for more poo) next week and, of course, The X Factor on Wednesday (pray for Legendtina).
But, wait–can you hear that? Is that…cackling?
Somewhere deep in the Hollywood Hills, she perches over the keyboard of the 1996 IBM she bought in exchange for 17 copies of Bionic and a Back To Basics stationary kit, drumming impatiently on the ancient mouse.
“TheRealLegendtina,” she types into the AOL log-in screen. Password: “MiReflejo69.”
Immediately, an IM pops up on the screen: “HerNameIsNicole: Did you see this?” Legendtina snarls dubiously and clicks the link. The 56K modem sitting below whirs and howls manically. It sounds like the noodle note in “Vanity” but less flawless, she thinks to herself.
After 17 minutes, the commercial loads. Her eyes widen at the beauty–the colors, the spots, the form-flattering clothing. Soon, her blood-red lips form a frown. She roars, throwing Baby Max’s bottle at the wall and shattering one of her framed Burlesque posters. “Re-shoot video for Your Body – Xoxtina,” she notes in her to-do pad, right under “What is an ARTPOP?”, and the first item on the list: “Kill Mariah Carey.”
She breathes in sharply suddenly and remembers: The Voice is airing on the same night as The X Factor premiere. The ratings will provide the last laugh, she realizes, tossing her purple locks back and cackling wildly.
“Let’s just see how you burlesque now, Britney. Let’s just SEE.”
2012: YEAR OF THE TWISTER DANCE.