Our worst fears have finally been realized, and everything is a nightmare: will.i.cant really is executive producing Britney‘s 8th studio album.
According to Rolling Stone, the Producer of All Things Irritating, Stupid Hair Haver and all-around pop goblin confirmed the news at an event last night:
“After I did a song on Femme Fatale – ‘Big Fat Bass’ – and then we did ‘Scream & Shout,’ she really liked the way we worked because of my approach,” will.i.am told said last night at a Levi’s event in Hollywood celebrating his sustainable-product program Ekocycle. “So they asked me to be involved in, not producing and writing every song, but to be an executive producer on the songs.
Although will.i.am wouldn’t confirm who those other songwriters and producers will be, he did mention that Spears “really liked Diplo,” who has been rumored to be involved in the album. The producer hopes this album will reflect who Spears is as a person rather than an artist, and he’s been actively spending time getting to know her on a more intimate level to ensure that can happen.
NO. NO. STAY STRONG. WE MUST STAY STRONG. STRONG BRITNEY. STRONG BRITNEY.
First, consider the pros: He namedropped Diplo. That’s a good thing, because Diplo is amazing.
Secondly, he keeps suggesting that he wants the new album to be “intimate” and “personal.” That’s a good thing. We want the Ray Of Light that was wrongly promised to us while Femme Fatale was being recorded, right?
Third, well—there are no other pros about this, really. It is the worst.
Just don’t touch the songs, will.u.not. Invite Diplo to come in and do his thing. Invite Pharrell. Invite Danja. Invite Darkchild. Invite Ariel Rechstaid. Invite Sia. Invite Greg Kurstin. Invite Bloodshy & Avant. Invite Cathy Dennis. Invite Stuart Price. Invite Blood Orange. BUT DO NOT TOUCH THE SONGS YOURSELF.
If that Vocoded Monster’s flat vocals appear on more than one song—no, I can’t. I can’t even bear the thought.
For reference: Larry Rudolph and Teresa LaBarbera-Whites co-executive produced Circus, Max Martin and Dr. Luke co-executive produced Femme Fatale, and Britney herself was the executive producer of Blackout.
Tonight, while you’re sitting there alone up in your room thinking about the times that we’ve been through, just pray. Light a few Vanilla candles, leaf through the Psalms of In The Zone sing the Hymns of Britney and Blackout, and pray in the name of Godney. It is our sworn duty to still believe. (ALMIGHTY REFERENCE.)
The Spearit will see us through—she always has.