Let’s cut the shit: The 2015 Grammy Awards were almost exclusively terrible.
That’s honestly not even hyperbole! The entire night was mostly made up of snoozy ballads (how could you, Ariana?), old dudes (Tom Jones?!), church hymns (Beyoncé), pop songs-turned-church hymns (Sam Smith) and more dudes with guitars. Poor chair dancer Taylor Swift was forced to gyrate furiously to the sound of AC/DC. Does anyone know how distressing that visual is for all parties involved? And we had to see Frankie Grande‘s reaction to everything! And Katy Perry decided to make shadow puppets! Even phucking Rihanna let us down! Her rendition of acoustic folk earthy jam “FourFehSeconds” was perfectly fine and all, but honestly, who has the time? I sure as hell don’t. Are we still pretending this is the Rihanna we wanted to hear? I sure as hell won’t.
Mercifully, there was at least one woman on hand who knew a thing or two about slapping on a pair of heels, a wig and giving the gays and girls exactly what we need: Madonna, Queen Of Everything.
But of course, what would a legendary diva’s inroduction be without some fan-girling from some of pop’s biggest princesses? Nicki Minaj and Miley Cyrus literally looked like two eager queens waiting in the Golden Triangle at the MDNA Tour, and it was precious. You better stan, bitches!
And there she was: Matadonna, she of #SnapchatExclusive music video fame, returning to us in glorious form on the big stage, beginning with an almighty orchestral #RevolutionOfLove #SecretProjectRevolution #Instagram introduction encouraging us to live, love, laugh and buy Rebel Heart on iTunes or something. It was already fantastic!
To be fair, the opening was a little slow, and she did seem a bit winded. Whether she was finding her footing or just thrown off by Rihanna’s massive pink poof dress in the crowd, I’m still not entirely sure. But…not to worry!
After warming up with some hip-to-face minotaur foreplay, Madge was soon in full-on icon mode. And by the end, she was whipping those manifestations of evil into shape, shaking out her hair, strutting her stuff and giving us some spread eagle L-U-V on the stage…
….before being lifted up (Lord lift her up, up, up!) into the heavens. Sky fits heaven and Madge fits into her sassy matador outfit. Praise her eternal light!
Good Lourdes, this is how a major pop performance should really look. This is what it’s like to actually give a fuck!
Performance! Dramatic openings! Choreography! Showmanship! Iconic exits! And she’s doing it at double/triple/quadruple the age of her lazy ass pop contemporaries!
I was all like…
The Queen Of Pop, now and forever. God bless you, Madge.
GIFs via VH1, EntertainmentTonight and MadonnaCiccone.