Everyoneâ€™s got a celebrity on Twitter they like to follow: Whether itâ€™s Heidi Montag and her misspelled shout-outs to God, John Mayerâ€™s witty one-liners about his life as a celebrity, or Martha Stewartâ€™s unnervingly down-to-earth ponderings about her dogs, thereâ€™s a celebrity out for everyone simply ripe for the stalking. For me, the choice is an obvious oneâ€”P. Diddy.
As I see it, no one else can get me through my day quite like the hip-hop mogul can. Approximately every ten minutes, Diddy sends one new Tweet into the Twitosphere. In just the past month that Iâ€™ve been following the superstar, heâ€™s already gone running in Central Park at 4 AM to work off energy, spent days on end fasting for some unknown reason (I believe it had to do with Jesus), and created several Top 10 lists (â€œThe #8 thing i’m gonna work on.. is gettin married one day.. I said ONE DAY!!! LOL! I’m a work in progress.. LETS GO PEOPLE!!!â€).
Frequently, Diddy will use his Twitter time to call out others and their â€œbitchassnessâ€ (â€œBut be clear I don’t condone BITCHASSNESS!!!! In any shape or form!!! I will handle!!!!â€). Other times he provides a progress report regarding his new album, Last Train To Paris (â€œSPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!! I’m in the booth and I’m like HILLARY CLINTON!! I FOUND MY VOICE AGAIN!!! LOCK IN!!!â€).
Of course, then thereâ€™s always my personal favorite kind of messageâ€”pure, unadulterated bliss: â€œI can’t feel my face people!!! And I like it!!!! Let’s go!!!!!!â€ I never do know what the hell heâ€™s talking about, but it sure makes me want to try some of what heâ€™s on.
For me, the greatest reward of a Diddy Tweet is the image in my mind of the rapper concocting his messages: As he sits down to his gold-plated Macbook (not a work of fiction, heâ€™s displayed it before on his YouTube series, PTwitty Live), Diddy loads up Twitter, scoots up close to the keyboard, and begins to scribe another sage piece of advice.
“I canâ€™t feel my face people!!” he types out. He ponders this for a moment, looking over the message through the pair of spectacles hanging off the tip of his nose. Too many exclamation marks, he decides. “I canâ€™t feel my face people!” No, this is all wrong. Think Seanâ€¦think! Thatâ€™s itâ€”there arenâ€™t nearly enough: “I canâ€™t feel my face people!!!” Perfection.
Then again, it isnâ€™t just that Diddy provides the LOLZ with his punctuation soaked mantras–itâ€™s their actual content as well.
Following the thundering success of such lines as â€œLETâ€S GO!â€ and â€œDONâ€T STOP!â€ comes â€œGET LOCKED IN!â€, one of Diddyâ€™s newest mantras. Though I still donâ€™t quite understand what weâ€™re locking into (or whoâ€™s holding the key once weâ€™re inside), I know that bad things can happen if we donâ€™t lock inâ€”including the depression.
â€œA lot of kidâ€™s futures goinâ€™ awayâ€¦They parents ainâ€™t locking in, they brothers ainâ€™t locking in, you ainâ€™t locking in, I ainâ€™t locking in,â€ Diddy scolds the audience during the 26th broadcast of his YouTube series, PTwitty Live. â€œTurn off the Twitter, get off the phone, stop gossipinâ€™â€¦that means â€˜Oh, you wanna go out?â€™ No I canâ€™t, Iâ€™m going to the library this Saturday. I gotta do this research on this business I wanna start.â€
Surely he means well with his messages to focus, pay attention, and succeed, but with a track record of over twenty tweets per hour yelling at us to â€œGET LOCKED IN!!!â€, itâ€™s become apparent that Diddyâ€™s daily teachings are more of a â€œdo as I say, not as I doâ€ sort of deal.
Who am I to judge though? It’s not as though Twitter has proven itself useful for anything other than shameless self-promotion and useless mutterings about life’s triviality. Better to let Diddy have his day so that he may brighten mine: â€œThis shit is entertaining!!! I’m entertained!!!! Are you entertained????? Let’s go!â€ he wrote just before midnight on April 9. That I am, Diddyâ€¦that I am.