Much a fuss has been made about tween superstar Miley Cyrus‘ latest single, “Party in the USA,” which joins the ranks of other Cyrus classics as “Fly on the Wall,” “7 Things,” and even “See You Again.” Let us now explore whether or not this new song is or isn’t the greatest piece of recorded material ever created in our nation’s history:

Is it an up-tempo? More of a mid-tempo really, but yes.

Does it include a bit about nodding your head? Yeah.

How about a bit about swinging your hips like yeah? Yeah.

Does it mention Britney Spears at least once? Three times, actually.

Would it sound nice with a Hi-NRG beat attached in the clubs? My guess is no, though I haven’t actually verified that yet.

Is it good-but-bad in that sort of “can’t play this in front of respectable company” way, but so-bad-it’s-good in that “let’s play this full blast on the highway with our friends while singing in an ironic, high-pitched manner” kind of way? Oh, yes.

Is it produced by legendary Swedish pop producer/mastermind, Max Martin? It is not–however, it is produced by frequent Max Martin collaborator, Dr. Luke, which is by most accounts nearly the same thing.

Does it belong in the sad disco genre? …No, it most certainly does not.

As a result, we can now deduce that Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” is not the greatest song of all time. Thank you for your attention, and good night.