Get your tits out, everyone–it’s time for another round-up of the X Factor performances!

This week’s theme was “Guilty Pleasures,” which is basically a completely subjective, completely bullshit category that resulted in the judges inevitably squabbling over what defines a guilty pleasure and why certain artists were considered “guilty” in the first place. What a hoot.

More importantly, Cher Lloyd was officially AMAZING. Read on!

Starting off the night was Paije Richardson with a non-rousing rendition of Chaka Khan‘s “Ain’t Nobody.” Call me a hater, but I just don’t care for Paije in the least. He’s got a good voice (technically speaking), but there’s just nothing about him that appeals to me in the least: Not interested in the sound, not interested in his style, not interested in his personality. He’s got nothing to offer me! I just can’t. I’m sorry.

And then…John Adeleye–WHAT THE HAIR IS GOING ON HERE? Everything about this performance was a hot mess. Dannii nailed it with her criticism, slamming Louis’ decision to add the schmaltzy So You Think You Can Dance? dancers in the background while Cheryl came in with the assist, allowing Simon to deliver the final blow. Louis Walsh fails at life yet again: What else is new? I hated everything about this.

Rebecca Ferguson–or should I say Jessica Rabbit–once again rejected the bright lights and breakneck speed of X Factor for a smooth, jazzy powerhouse performance of “Why Don’t You Do Right?” that was once again tight, chic and solid. Rebecca, you absolutely slay me! (Even though the humble diva-in-the-making looked a bit loaded down with the mega makeup and an over-sized pink dress that gave her a large, unflattering side-ass.)

Love that she’s got the same hair as Chezza too!

AND THEN CAME THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD APPEARED AND THE WORLD STOPPED.

Cher came to the stage guns blazing with a massive, brilliant poof of red hair and baggy jeans, like the spicy chola lolita gangstress I always wanted and needed her to be. And then she opened her mouth and blew the audience away and then she blew my mind and then I blew my musical load.

Forget her past few performances: Not only was her mash-up of Blackstreet‘s “No Diggity” with Tears For Fears‘ “Shout” the BEST thing she’s done since her game changing audition, but it was literally one of the best X Factor performances I’ve ever seen. EVER.

That wasn’t even a winner’s performance–that was a performance straight out of a national headlining tour! Seriously…watch this shit and then watch Paije’s performance. NO. FUCKING. COMPETITION.

FOUR FOR YOU, CHER LLOYD. YOU GO, CHER LLOYD!

And then Matt Cardle came out and–oh my God. OH. MY GOD. OH MY GOD.

He covered Godney‘s “…Baby One More Time.”

The second those iconic lyrics fell from his lips, massive chills went through my body and I began grinning like a madman. It was an absolutely S-T-E-L-L-A-R acoustic interpretation of the song. And you know why? Because those who put their faith in the Holy Spearit will always be blessed with Cheetos and legendary performances.

Attention all Gleeks: THIS is how you properly cover a Britney Spears song.

The tweens of One Direction came waddling out on stage, panties wet, etc. etc. “He winked at me! He winked at me!” shrieked one convulsing tween standing between the racks of TopShop during their introductory video. Amazing.

And so the tweenyboppers sung Pink‘s “Nobody Knows” (guilty pleasure? Really?), and they talk-sang over each other with their messy, non-harmonized tween voices but none of it really matters because they all vaguely resemble Justin Bieber if you squint your eyes. “You are my guilty pleasure!” Cheryl beamed as Simon silently clicked her ankle into a pair of handcuffs attached to the judge’s table. They’ll go through.

Treyc Cohen busted out a surprise selection of Led Zeppelin‘s “Whole Lotta Love” (Guilty pleasure? REALLY?!) that vaguely resembled an Alexandra Burke performance in that there was a lot of pomp and circumstance for no real reason: DANCERS! FIRE! METAL!!1!! FLOOR!! MORE FIRE!!!!!11!!!

She really must have given it her all though, as she sounded like a squawking chicken in her post-performance interview with Dermot. Fitting, what with the bushels of freshly-plucked feathers resting on her shoulders.

Mary Byrnes, Queen of Ireland and Blessed Tesco Angel, delivered yet again with her show-stopping rendition of one of my favorites, “I (Who Have Nothing).” (GUILTY PLEASURE? REALLY?!)

Was it kind of exactly the same performance as last week? Well, yes. Should she switch up the song selection a bit? Probably, yes. But was it incredible and amazing? YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES. Inspiring “real women” everywhere (Thank you, Cheryl?), Mary’s going to be in this one for the long haul. Thank God.

Aiden Grimshaw was brooding and intense as per usual, which is usually RAYHT UP MAY STREET. “Diamonds Are Forever” is another favorite song for me. I approve of the whole thing, just not overwhelmingly so. IT WAS JUST AIIGHT FOR ME.

Belle Amie whipped out a cover of a cover (Girls Aloud‘s “I’ll Stand By You,” originally by The Pretenders) While I didn’t find their performance to be all that special (or sound different from the Aloud’s), it nearly gave Cheryl the vapors (SHOCKING): “It’s very sentimental to me…I just wanted to be up singing up there!” *Insert Nicola, Kimberley, and Sarah’s head slowly creeping out from behind her chair.*

But before Girls Aloud could reunite, Simon and Louis quickly launched into their bi-monthly love quarrel: Louis accused Simon of not caring about Belle Amie and focusing all his energy on One Direction instead, while Simon called Louis a nasty bitchy cunt-face something or other (well warranted, by the way.)

As I’ve said every week, I absolutely loathe Louis Walsh. I just wish that he would disappear into the pop stratosphere with the rest of his shit acts. (Mary being the obvious exception.) I digress.

Wagner performed the Spice Girls‘ “Spice Up Your Life” and Ricky Martin‘s “Livin La Vida Loca,” hereby becoming the Diva Fever of the show. Sadly the ‘hilariously bad’ shtick has been beaten to death ever since William Hung in 2004, so now it’s time for Wagner to take his final bow.

He seems like a genuinely nice man, but…come on.

Ending off the night came alleged drama queen Katie Waissel, who sang “I Wanna Be Like You” from The Jungle Book.

It was nice, I guess. My problem with Katie is that she just feels so extraneous: We already have Diana Vickers and Ellie Goulding. We have Christina Aguilera and Gwen Stefani and Madonna. What exactly does she offer as a lesser version of any of these acts? I just don’t see the point…especially if the diva rumors are to be believed.

And so those were the performances–most of which were pretty fucking good. So suck on that, Elton John.

FOR THE WIN:
Girls: Cher
Over 28’s: Mary
Boys: Matt
Groups: Belle Amie