It’s Beatles Week at the X Factor!
And, as one of the only human beings on this planet who doesn’t care much for the Legendary Icons of Music Making (well, not until they dabbled with the Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds anyway), I can’t seem to muster much excitement for this week–except by using exclamation marks!
I can’t wait to see what they perform! Why can’t Katie Weasel just go away!
Matt Cardle kicked off the night to perform “Come Together” in his first ever “big production number.” (WATCH)
There were sexy Rockette-like dancers…and he was wearing a white wifebeater! SEXY SEXY SEXY.
He sounded hawt–much more ‘rawr’ rock this week than devastating vibrato–and the performance was pretty amazing (even though it truly looked like he had just wandered in from a jog).
Louis said something was missing (no one heard him over the audience), Cheryl got flirty and flustered, and then Simon rightfully pointed out that the styling was bananas and basically said what I just said until the sheeple in the crowd drowned him out with their damned bleating.
Ear bleed: One of the many unwanted side effects from watching X Factor.
AND THEN THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD ARRIVED TO THE STAGE AND THE SHEEPLE DID BOW DOWN IN AWE.
The Cher Lloyd sang “Imagine” on a staircase to the skies, looking heaven-sent in a cute white dress and a black ribbon tied ’round her waist. (WATCH)
It was lovely and perfectly well done, especially towards the end–further proof that The Lloyd can carry a tune quite well.
Louis called it “lazy.” Dannii kicked him under the table and hit it spot-on, saying that her sweetly-sung songs are her absolute favesies and that she tots loved her performance tonight. Simon criticized…the staircase. Repeatedly. “Why the staircase?” Simon asked Cheryl on repeat. “Why the staircase? Why the staircase?” Ignoring him, Cheryl went on to tell Cher that she was versatile and wonderful. “Why the staircase?” Simon repeated ad nauseam, like a ceaseless interior designer’s nightmare.
LOVE U CHER.
One Erection sang “All You Need Is Love.” “There’s nothing you can sing that can’t be sung,” the boys crooned. Well, except for this song. (WATCH)
I’m kidding (a little). It was finely sung, and then a thousand women stormed the stage to dance and cheer. Legends. Icons. Inspirations. The New Beatles. Better Than The Beatles. Better Than Music. Cheryl tried to stick it back to Simon during her critique. “WAY THE PLAHTFOM? WAY THE PLAHTFOM?” she insisted. Good one, Chezza.
With my brooding boyfriend Aiden Grimshaw gone, it was up to the darling Rebecca Ferguson to keep the darkness going with her mysterious, beautiful rendition of “Yesterday.” (WATCH)
It was very good (not her best as Dannii pointed out), although I was admittedly distracted by the red pom poms glued onto her shoulders and the MC hammer parachute pants (styling mini-fail).
Everyone pointed out that she was nervous, but then again: She’s from Liverpool. And singing The Beatles. And singing one of the Beatles’ biggest songs. One might be nervous doing such things. BUT SHE DID GOOD.
And then, Ireland’s Tesco Goddess Mary Byrnes took to the stage to sing “Something.” (WATCH)
It was a classic Mary performance–massive vocals on a massive tune–and she actually wore something that wasn’t black! Well, not ENTIRELY black.
Everyone rully liked it. Cheryl, ever the sage wisdom-giver, noted that the song worked because “you’ve lived life.” Or, more to the point: “You hella old, bitch.”
Huzzah, Mary. Huzzah.
*Sigh.* Paije Richardson. “Let It Be.” (WATCH)
Actually, it was maybe his best performance for me–until the choir of angels (of course). And the Brit Brit “Circus” waterfall of sparklers (of course). And who’s responsible for this staging? Dannii (of course).
I’m sorry, I still don’t care.
FUCK WAGNER. GO HOME. (WATCH)
And then came Katie Weasel to sing “Help” and—LOLOLOL. WUT. WUT. WUT. (WATCH)
This moment can only be described with one photo:
COME ON. I find it absolutely pathetic that, time after time, she keeps singing songs begging for help. Want to be an inspiration? Want me to take you seriously? SHAKE IT OFF.
I absolutely loathe this ho. I’m sorry–don’t come waddling out like a 6-year-old orphan girl with doll eyes under light bulbs begging the public to help you. Favorite moment from the judges come from the ever unintentionally hilarious Louis Walsh: “I love that you sung a song called and you do need help! Wonderful.”
And that’s what happened. Fuck Katie Weasel.