It was “Rock Week” on X Factor tonight. FUCK YEAHHHH! Oh manâ€”whatâ€™s going to happen?! Will Dannii rock a mohawk?! Will Cheryl Cole light her nipples on fire?! Will Katie Weasel not be impossibly grating?
No, none of that happened.
Wagner was first, which was perfect because I love when the shitty acts go first. Therefore, I was able to sneak off and prepare myself a snack. In what was truly the most genius move by Louis Walsh sinceâ€¦ever, he selected Radioheadâ€™s â€œCreepâ€ for the barely intelligible contestant. (WATCH)
â€œIâ€™m a creep, Iâ€™m a weirdo / What the hell am I doing here?â€ the â€˜singerâ€™ warbled. â€œIf Thom Yorke was watching, he would love it,â€ Louis proclaimed during the judging. â€œWHAT?!â€ Dannii squawked back in disbelief/horror (as did the world). And all at once, the lights dimmed and the world drew quiet in sad solace to honor the day the music died.
To be fair, I can’t entirely hate on Wagner. After all, he did provide me with this PERFECT moment of Dannii being told that Wagner wasn’t performing a medley this week during the video introduction:
One Erection sang Bryan Adams‘ â€œSummer of â€™69.â€ (WATCH)
â€œIt was the summer of â€˜69,â€ the â€˜90â€™s-born group sang. â€œâ€™69, â€˜69, â€˜69.â€
Cheryl noted the â€œFEET STAHMPS AND ELECTRICITAYâ€ in the audience, while Simon announced that One Erection-member Harry (surname Bieber?) selected that song. The ladies and baby gays went wild and there was much Oprahâ€™s Favorite Things-esque hair pulling and screaming and crying and convulsing in the crowd.
Tescoâ€™s Beloved Angel of Ireland Mary Byrnes came next with U2â€™s â€œAll I Want Is You.â€ (WATCH)
It was a powerhouse affair with the choir boys and the Brit Brit â€œCircusâ€ waterfall fireworks, except unlike Â¾ of the other X Factor contestants, Mary holds her own amongst the over-the-top pomp.
The judges all loved it, but Simon had a bone to pick. (Doesnâ€™t he always?) â€œYou should have picked this kind of song weeks ago,â€ Simon growled to Louis. â€œWhatâ€”Iâ€”whatâ€”I,â€ Louis nervously stumbled and fumbled his way back in response. Together, the two stared at each other hungrily, a fiery energy burning between their deadlocked stares of both anger and disbelief. â€œTAKE ME NOW!â€ Louis suddenly declared, lunging across the judgeâ€™s table into Simonâ€™s wanting embrace as the two made love on top of Cheryl Cole.
Then Mary declared she was â€œnayrvus.â€
AND THEN THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD DID GRACE THE STAGE IN A RATHER ADORABLE POOFY BLACK DRESS.
The darling Cherylita was BACK in chola Lolita swing of things, taking the nightâ€™s themes to its greatest stretch of boundaries with a performance of rock legend Avril Lavigneâ€™s â€œGirlfriend.â€ (WATCH)
There were so many things happening! Dancing on a car! And fireworks! And dancing! And the rapping! And the jumping! It was so very fast, and so, so very good. And, oh! Sheâ€™s only 17â€”so itâ€™s totally authentic and bubbly and fun and cute!
The judges literally lost their shit and declared it her best performance ever (I wouldnâ€™t go that farâ€”â€œStayâ€ might be the best), but it was totally cute and bubbly and should keep her secure into the semi-finals.
The divine Rebecca Ferguson performed U2â€™s â€œStill Havenâ€™t Found What Iâ€™m Looking For.â€ (WATCH)
Of course it was brilliant, she sang it perfectly, etc. etc. She also looked like a fabulously sassy little minx, complete with cat-eye make-up and a chic leopard dress.
The judges were all like â€œOMG, so good, but maybe a little nervousâ€ and she nervously nodded in agreement. It donâ€™t matter, Rebecca babyâ€”youâ€™re going all the way!
The last standing member of the Boys group Matt Cardle was next to perform Joan Jettâ€™s â€œI Love Rock â€˜nâ€™ Roll.â€ (WATCH)
Honestly, I don’t love the testosterone-driven direction that Dannii is taking Mattâ€”namely, the sexy songs, the sexy lady dancers and the sexy fireworks to make everything feel like a lame ass Superbowl halftime show.
It was really bad, but the judges all said it was good. Whatever.
Professional life-ruiner Katie Weasel came to the stage to perform an overly dramatic, breathy version of Kings of Leonâ€™s â€œSex on Fire.â€ (WATCH)
Luckily, weâ€™re told before the performance that this is THE REAL KATIE because she just cut and dyed her hair in a VERY REAL WAY because she is VERY REAL now. Then, much like every other one of her performances, it was completely and utterly different from the last one (except for the part where it sucked).
Simon continued his love affair with the Weasel, declaring it both â€œfunâ€ and â€œrisky.â€ I totally agree with him, if by â€œfunâ€ he meant â€œpainfulâ€ and by â€œriskyâ€ he meant â€œboring.â€
I cannot with this inauthentic ho.
And so that was Rock Week. La di fucking da–WHAT? THEY’RE DOING TWO SONGS TONIGHT?! Fuck my life.
Wagner blew again with Robert Palmer‘s “Addicted To Love.” (WATCH)
One Erection sang Joe Cocker‘s “You Are So Beautiful To Me.” (WATCH)
Rather than the usual sing-all-over-each-other affair, the boyz slowed it down to show off their vocals. (Remember–they are all actually very good in individual form!) As a result, ’twas v, v good.
The judges all loved it, la-dee-da, and then Simon and Louis had a lover’s quarrel about whether or not Joe Cocker was a ‘rock artist.’ GET A ROOM.
Mary performed The Pretenders‘ “Brass In Pocket.” (WATCH)
She cut loose a little bit–doing some side-step and hip shaking. As Cheryl so cutely cheered: “GO ON MEHRAY, GIT DOWN WITH YA BAD SAYLF!” But Dannii was right–vocally, ’twas a bit meh.
Rebecca returned for The Rolling Stones‘ “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” (WATCH)
Oh! It was so good! She looked so fierce and so Motown with the old-timey microphones and the two back-up dancers! Oh, grrrl.
The judges all called her Aretha Franklin, but all I was getting was pure Supremes vibes. Either way, it was fucking phenomenal and she absolutely deserves a spot in the semi-finals.
Professional life-ruiner Katie Weasel returned to the stage to perform an overly dramatic, breathy version of R.E.M.â€™s â€œEverybody Hurts.â€ (WATCH)
Matt returned to sing The Moody Blues‘ “Nights In White Satin.” (WATCH)
COMPLETE AND UTTER RETURN. TO. FORM. Oh my GOD.
Breaking out his guitar for the first time since his sublime cover of “…Baby One More Time,” Matt delivered what was undoubtedly the performance of the night. C-H-I-L-L-S all over the place. Best ever.
AND THEN THE ALMIGHTY LLOYD ASCENDED TO THE STAGE FOR THE FINAL TIME OF THE NIGHT LIKE A BEAUTIFUL AND GRACEFUL HEAVEN-SENT DOVE.
With even bigger hair and even more poofy attire than before, Cher performed Aerosmith‘s “Walk This Way.” (WATCH)
There was a lot of swagga and youthful revelry, and it was all quite good and fun and fabulous. RECORDING CONTRACT ALREADY? Please and thank you.
Cheryl announced that while Cher couldn’t be everyone’s coop o’tea, Cher was “may coop of tea–with two sugahs en et!”
I couldn’t agree more.