SHUT THE FUCK UP AND TURN OFF THE SHUFFLE BECAUSE LITERALLY NO OTHER MUSIC MATTERS RIGHT NOW.

“Hold It Against Me”–Britney‘s highly anticipated (what’s the word for understatement of the fucking century?) new single from her as-of-yet untitled seventh studio album due out in March–has officially premiered.

The paramedics have just grudgingly allowed me access to a computer for fifteen minutes, so I’ve decided to hurriedly draft this review. It is nonsense, but here goes:

“Hold It Against Me” is many things, but above all, it is as perfect as the flawless iconic beauty singing on the track.

While it’s not nearly as radically different as Camp Britney suggested it would be as compared to the demo we heard on Friday, Britney’s final version is still vastly superior and entirely amazing.

“Hold It Against Me” is by no means an obvious Dr. Luke or Max Martin affair (aside from Martin’s penchant for producing sex jams), and it doesn’t sound too similar to anything on the radio (aside from Ke$ha‘s “Take It Off,” which is only a compliment in my book.)

I guess what I’m really trying to say here is that it doesn’t sound like a Katy Perry song, which was kind of the major concern after hearing Dr. Luke was at the helm of this project. (AKA: THANK. FUCKING. GODNEY.)

Now, let’s review in-depth:

SONG BEAT: The beat of “Hold It Against Me” deserves an appreciation post of its own.

Unstoppable. Disgustingly filthy. It is, as my friend Shan described when he sent me a link to the song early this morning, nothing short of an “ass-raping beat.” It’s probably the closest aural representation of literal fucking that exists to date–the kind of beat that will get all of the boys in trouble at the club and all of the girls really, really pregnant.

VERSES: The song’s verses are these amazing, cool moments of surging Grand Theft Auto adrenaline-pop in which Britney attempts to woo us. It is an effective wooing. She also says “A LITTLE HAY-ZAY” in a really silly voice during the second verse and it’s kind of the best thing ever.

CHORUS: The chorus of “Hold It Against Me” is a really genius, gorgeous moment a la “Shattered Glass” in which the song’s beat completely drops out and allows B to shine with a MASSIVE, chant-worthy chorus. It’s the kind of chorus that says, “Hey over there, the beat is about to fucking DROP, so kindly hold onto your B-Girl panties because this shit is bananas.” AND THEN IT DOES.

BREAKDOWN:

OH MY GOD. THE BREAKDOWN.

I had to stand up and walk around after hearing for the first time because I SIMPLY COULD NOT.

“If I said I want your body, would you hold it against me?” Godney purrs in a semi-British, semi-Blackoutney crazy accent, before the track launches into the most UNHOLY series of grinding dubstep/grime beats Brit Brit’s ever had the pleasure of moaning against.

“Pop it like a hood, and show me how you work it out,” she whines. And then the trance pulsations that lead back into the song? Coffin.

VOCALS: While nothing too vocally impressive (not why we’re here folks), “Hold It Against Me” is still a refreshing presentation of B’s natural vocals–none of that tired dance-pop Auto Tune shit clogging up the radio stations at the moment. I lurve her voice on this.

IN CONCLUSION: “Hold It Against Me” is more immediate and exciting than “Womanizer,” and undoubtedly her hardest hitting lead single since “Gimme More.”

FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS: Listen on repeat until forever, bow the fuck down, take a big whiff, etc. etc.

Dubstepney. Grimeney. Holditagainstney.

And now, I die.