The Good, The Bad and The Katy Perry: The Top Performances at the 2011 Grammy Awards

It’s that magical time of self-celebratory circle jerking again: The 2011 Grammy Awards!

And for the first time in, like, forever…it was mostly a good time! There were a lot of performances, and at least half of them were pretty entertaining.

Let’s take a walk through some of the more memorable moments of the night, shall we?

Sisters Are Doing It For Their Public Redemption

Kicking off the night, Christina Aguilera, Martina McBride, Yolanda Adams, Florence Welch and Jennifer Hudson took to the stage to pay tribute to the ailing Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin.

One would think that with the abundance of attitude and shoulder pads on stage, there would be some major diva tussles. But you know what? There wasn’t!

In fact, it was a really amazing opening. Everyone belted it out with all their might, taking us all to church in the process. And even more surprising: It was free of wig snatching! There wasn’t even a single side-eye or not-so-accidental tripping from any of the divas on stage. Instead, they all looked so super supportive of each other. And happy! Or perhaps they were just mesmerized by Christina’s lip stand. So shiny…

And while everyone put on an incredible show, everyone knew that this moment was secretly all about Our Lady X-tina, Full of Disgrace.

Suffering from a highly publicized album flop, an overly harsh hazing following her lyrical mishap during the Superbowl, and a moderate-to-intensely-dislikable personality that’s never really changed, there was a lot riding on last night’s performance for Aguilera.

Luckily, she did it. And she didn’t just do it, she KILLED it. Nailed it. Such good vocals (as we all know she can provide), reminding us all why she’s undoubtedly one of the most talented vocalists in the pop game today.

And then she fell down.

Lady Gaga’s Eggcellent Adventure

With “Born This Way” released on Friday (and already breaking records left and right), all eyes were on Lady Gaga.

Or what they thought was Lady Gaga anyway, as she entered into the event inside of a giant, futuristic egg pod thing carried by a few glamazons and shirtless men, thus successfully working her way further up the Food Pyramid. Watch out, loaf of bread–YOU’RE NEXT.

Or, as Goldengateblond astutely pointed out on Twitter:

She was at the VMAs covered in meat. Now she’s at the Grammys dressed as an egg. Two more red carpets and Gaga will be a Denny’s Grand Slam.

Nutrition aside, the question remained: What would Lady Gaga do during the debut performance of the anthem of our generation? Would she hold hands with children of every color and creed and sing “Kumbaya” around a disco fire pit? Would she crack herself into a skillet and make love with several men as a kind of metaphorical tolerance omelet? No! She just…danced!

Despite all expectations and assumptions, Lady Gaga opted to pull a true poker face and play the straightforward pop star card. Following a egg-opening entrance, Gaga showed off a svelte body with some fierce choreography amongst a dozen or more condom-wrapped dancers, opting to forgo the usual theatrics in favor of providing a pure moment in entertainment.

With a few killer hair whips in tow (and please, don’t even get me started on the Blonde Ambition ponytail. I get it, Madonna did it!!1!! It’s a fucking ponytail, stans) and a nice little death-organ breakdown (she’s just got to show off them piano skills with every live performance, doesn’t she?), Gaga turned what could have been a very overwrought, smack-you-over-the-head-with-equality performance of a very smack-you-over-the-head-with-equality song into a very good time.

Sure, it was hardly the most iconic performance she’s ever done, but it was still a great moment for Gaga to simply do the damn thing. I seriously loved it!

Love The Way You Smell / I Need A Spotlight

My weekend was mostly spent sending prayers and lighting battleship-shaped candles for my Princess RiRi, who’d been struck with a mean bout of both laryngitis and bronchitis right before her major performances last night. Boo boo! :(

Luckily, even if she wasn’t feeling so hot underneath that gorgeous Dior gown, you’d never know it–because Ri pulled out one of her best performances of “Love The Way You Lie” yet!

Decked out in a stunning, ruffled gown (smartly borrowing the same color palette as her new fragrance, Reb’l Fleur) and a far more subdued red ‘do than usual, the Bajan beauty delivered nothing but pure drama and emotion alongside resident coke-eyed rapper, Eminem.

It was undoubtedly one of the best performances of the night, driving the point home about how wrong the Academy was for choosing Lady Antecedent for Song AND Record of the Year.

Shortly thereafter, Ri left the stage as Dr. Dre appeared to join Em on the newly released “I Need A Doctor,” co-penned by the brilliant Skylar Grey (who contributor Sam Lansky briefly spotlighted a few weeks ago for MuuMuse.)

Sadly, that’s about the only thing that was spotlighting Skylar, seeing as she was left to croon the aching chorus of the Em/Dre hit entirely in the dark.

Seriously, light technicians? If I was able to see every single crystal emblazoned upon RiRi’s vajazzled ensemble later that night, you’d think you could spare enough light to let us see the girl who actually wrote the damn song. Shaking my head.

For anyone who didn’t already know, Cee-Lo Green likes to go there with his onstage outfits, and tonight proved no exception.

The soulful sensation crash-landed onto the Grammy’s stage last night wearing a giant, multicolored bird outfit, a metal chest-piece, and some rather glittery headgear, which I can only imagine to be the same experience as dropping acid and going to see an Elton John concert at Medieval Times.

While banging out his major kiss-off track on piano (“Fuck You”), Cee-Lo was joined onstage by a few good muppets. (As I noted on Twitter, the back-up singer on the left would return to the stage later that evening to perform her smash hit, “Teenage Dream.”)

Then the patron saint of fun herself, Gwyneth Paltrow, took to the stage to join Cee-Lo. And oh, what a hoot it was!

Unleashing her own inner freak with a festive-yet-tasteful pair of hot pink feather earrings (pushing the very boundaries of her internal fun-o-meter), Paltrow delivered a somewhat impressive vocal alongside the other giant cock on stage that either helped to make or break the performance, depending on who you’re talking to/how high you were while watching.

As for me? I’m like…forget you!

Only Coochie (In The World)

Later on, RiRi Ri-turned to the stage to deliver her smash hit “What’s My Name?” along with Canadian sensation, Aubrey Drake.

Although less spirited than her almighty American Music Awards performance in December, Ri still managed to shake her tail-feather around a roaring fire pit, twerking her hips and popping her OOH NA NA NA NA! in the most awe-inspiring of ways. WORK, you silly bitch!

Much to every hater’s general dismay, it appears that Rihanna reign just won’t let up. RIHANNA NAVY WINS!

Talent Personified

Professional blow-up doll Katy Perry, dressed as some sort of love robot in a bejeweled tin muffin, took to the stage atop a glittery swing for a rousing rendition of “Not Like The Movies,” one of the more embarrassing cuts from her Grammy nominated (LOL) album, Teenage Dream.

As the swing slowly rose, a giant tapestry spread behind her, revealing Perry to be little more than A SHADY STYLE BITER, as she completely and utterly ripped the set-up for Brit Brit‘s (vastly superior) performance of “Shadow” on 2004’s Onyx Hotel Tour.

To make matters worse, we were forced to endure Perry’s home movies from her wedding to professional creeper Russell Brand projected onto the tapestry, which is basically the pop star equivalent of your Aunt Thelma coming to Thanksgiving with three boxes full of Polaroids from her recent trip to Salt Lake City which she plans to distribute, one-by-one, over dinner and ruin your entire life.

Then the swing came down (but the curtain, sadly, did not), and Perry burst into The Only Good Katy Perry Song ever®, “Teenage Dream.” She was quickly joined onstage by a few rejected standbys for High School Musical 4 as she wildly flapped and clucked around the “Lady Marmalade” designed set.

It was all very magical, high-energy and inspired, finally proving once and for all that Katy Perry is truly the Tina Turner of our generation.

And that’s all I have the time or energy to talk about.

A special thank you to The Grammy’s for failing to upload any of the performances from last night AND blocking videos on YouTube, forcing me to instead post the illegal pirated clips from the show–a wasted opportunity to monetize your own product through online advertising revenue.

Now go ahead and keep hitting us over the head with that “anti-piracy” PSA, Academy!

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