NO, BUT ACTUALLY HOLD THE PHONE AND DROP YOUR BABY RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

FIRST OF ALL: Rihanna JUST announced on Twitter this evening that she’ll be Ri-leasing the Dr. Luke-produced “You Da One” on Friday, which will then hit on iTunes on Sunday night. Um, fuck YES! Flawless single cover is flawless.

Now then–let’s get down to bidness.

Beginning this week, Team RiRi has begun the listening sessions for Ri’s upcoming sixth studio album, Talk That Talk.

Tonight, VH1 published an album preview that, well…I’ve literally been shaking and crying all night.

While you really ought to read the review in full, I’ve pulled some of the major factoids and delicious quotes from the article for your reference. Oh, and in places where I physically could not even (which is often), I’ve responded via .GIF.

So. Yes. WHERE TO BEGIN?! Oh, right. How about the title of the article itself?

Rihanna’s Talk That Talk Is The Dirtiest Pop Record Since Madonna’s Erotica.

Actually, scratch that. Rihanna‘s new record, Talk That Talk, is the dirtiest “pop” record we have ever heard.

Talk That Talk continues the conversation that Rihanna began with her single “S&M” (off Loud) and, if you’ll pardon the Spinal Tap reference, turns it up to 11. Rihanna and her chief partner-in-crime, songwriter Ester Dean (who either wrote or co-wrote at least five songs on the LP), have put together a record that not only oozes sex, but also revolves almost exclusively around it.

The Bangladesh-produced banger, which sounds like a vintage-era Neptunes jam, begins with Rihanna telling her lover that “I want you to be my sex slave” and contains the refrain “I love it when you eat it.”

It doesn’t stop there; in perhaps the album’s most memorable line, Rihanna demands her subject to “Suck my cockiness / Lick my persuasion.”

Okay, wait. Stop. Do you know what else Bangladesh has produced? Ke$ha‘s “Sleazy.” Beyonce‘s “Diva.” Kelis‘ “Bossy.” Do you understand the enormity of this situation? Do you? Like, DO YOU?

And “Drunk On Love”? Oh boy, this one is going to please Williamsburg hipsters to their core. It’s built on a foundation of The XX‘s “Intro,” which gives it instant indie cred, but Stargate smartly takes Jamie XX‘s melody line and transforms the beat into something so massive that your iPod earbuds are almost guaranteed to explode.

OKAY WAIT NOW STOP ONCE AGAIN: Do you know what “Intro” is? Do you? It’s my FAVORITE FUCKING SONG on The XX‘s entire debut album. It’s absolutely everything. I listen to it all the time–the melody is just so absolutely GORGEOUS and so, so haunting! Let us listen together now, shall we?

“Where Have You Been,” which was written by Top 40 formula crackers Dr. Luke and Ester Dean and produced by the hit maker du jour Calvin Harris, will almost certainly be Rihanna’s biggest club smash since “Don’t Stop The Music.” The chorus features a sweeping, trance-ish transition that will bowl over dancefloor denizens in clubs all over the world, and the bass in the song is so monstrous (in a good way!) that it will make you want to trade in your factory-installed car speakers for a top-of-the-line sound system.

It’s not a concept record, per se, but the thematic consistency of this album’s lyrical content—shout out to Ester Dean, a true freak if we’ve ever heard one!— and the epic soundscapes that Stargate, Calvin Harris and crew have created make this, from start to finish, the most aurally satisfying record of the six full-length albums she has released.

I CAN’T. I’M NOT EVEN READY. HOW CAN I POSSIBLY BE READY?

And now, the full album credits, which are just…

1. “You Da One” (produced by Dr. Luke)
2. “Where Have You Been?” (produced by Calvin Harris, written by Dr. Luke & Ester Dean)
3. “We Found Love” (produced by Calvin Harris)
4. “Talk That Talk (featuring Jay-Z)” (produced by Stargate, written by Ester Dean)
5. “Cockiness” (produced by Bangladesh)
6. “Birthday Cake” (produced by The-Dream)
7. “We All Want Love” (written by Ester Dean)
8. “Drunk On Love” (produced by Stargate, written by Ester Dean)
9. “Roc Me Out” (produced by Stargate, written by Ester Dean)
10. “Watch And Learn” (produced by Hit-Boy, written by Priscilla Renea)
11. “Farewell” (produced by Big Juice, written by Ester Dean)

Talk That Talk will be released on November 21. (iTunes)