Friday morning. The studio of The Voice is empty, dark and silent–until a cackle pierces the air.
A voluptuous blonde wearing a crown and a studded diaper sits silently at her red swivel chair, surveying the newspaper she stole from outside. “‘The Voice Beats X Factor Premiere,’ do you hear that?” she announces toward the hog-tied Nielsen ratings representative sitting in the audience.
“I have a family, miss. Please, I beg of you. Haven’t I done enough?” he pleads, his face covered in lipstick stains.
“SILENCE, LESSER!” she barks.
“Just–please. Just tell me who you are. And what is a Mi Reflejo?”
Legendtina’s talons tighten around her Doritos Locos Taco Supreme in her other hand. “I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW MY NAME!” she howls, throwing her half-eaten taco at his face.
She takes out her pink Razr–bedazzled with the word “Legendtina”–from her studded diaper and checks the time: 9 AM.
“Yes…YES, YES!” she howls with delight and jumps to her feet. The too-tanned homosexual must be premiering her song any minute now, she realizes.
That’s right, it’s finally here: The real, official, final version of Legendtina’s “Your Body” has emancipated itself from the Christina Aguilera By Day-shaped genie bottle it’s been hiding in for months on Ryan Seacrest this morning.
And just like that, global domination begins.
If you’re not already familiar, I’ve crafted a helpful guide to understanding the slay-worthy Max Martin & Shellback-produced tune.
Is your body ready to get FUCKED? (Well, “loved”–but we all know that the dirrty version is vastly superior.)