BOW DOWN AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THESE FUCKING CURTAINS, YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY.
Earlier this afternoon, while the flops over at Apple were busy premiering their shiny, thinner version of the iPhone which is no longer compatible with any of the cables or accessories you bought for your previous iPhone in the past decade, a woman–nay, a LEGEND donning a crown pushed aside the half-eaten Cheesy Gordita Crunch at her desk, scooted up to the screen of her rental MacBook, cackled and began to type: “User name: TheRealXtina. Password: ARTPOOP69.”
THAT’S RIGHT: Our Lady of Woohoo graced us all with her Biconic presence this afternoon, where she answered questions from lessers on Twitter, revealing exciting, exclusive, and game-changing news.
She lubed up the stan base real nice at first, noting that the album is about “self-expression and freedom” and that there are “some personal ballads” on the collection (which will hopefully all sound like “Sex For Breakfast” or “F.U.S.S.”)
And then, she took our bodies…and FUCKED THEM:
THE ALBUM TITLE IS LOTUS.
In case you’re not Eruditetina, the Lotus is a metaphor-tastic symbol, often used in Buddhism to represent purity and wisdom. You see, the beautiful flower flourishes from muddied waters. Do you see? Christina found hope in a Bionic place. She is a Phoenixtina Risinguilera, and we are unworthy of her rebirth. It is also France’s #1 toilet paper brand.
Said the Buddha Excluusively to MuuMuse: “Oh, shit! That’s a good album title, dude. She is slaying this comeback! By the way, did you see Britney at the hand print ceremony last night? Flaw. Fucking. Free. Also, what are you doing later? Did you want to grab, like, dinner or whatever? Oh, the X Factor premiere’s tonight? No, it’s fine. No! Don’t even worry–no, like we can totally rain-check. No worries, dude. Text me. I just miss you sometimes, that’s all.”
But the body FUCKING didn’t stop there.
The iconic “Car Wash” chanteuse then announced that she had a surprise–A SURPRISE!–by unveiling the cover of her new single, “Your Body” (for which, if you haven’t seen already, I’ve provided a helpful user’s guide.) And it was everything.
Bound tightly in a silky pink curtain stolen from the set of “Lady Marmalade,” the legend is seen striking a sensuous full body pose and serving face, face, face. According to insiders, the shoot was inspired by Greek mythology, Christina Aguilera By Day, the Mi Reflejo Sausage Company in Guadalajara, and the album art for Brooke Hogan‘s The Redemption. (Also, I’d like to point out that it’s not so different from the fan art I created, so I am a prophet.)
To perfect the pose, a source on the set of the shoot reveals to MuuMuse that the photographer instructed Aguilera to pretend to “fall asleep while pooping.”
Finally, before quickly deleting a tweet (“Does anyone know how to dismantle an entire television network? Tweet me at 8 PM! – XoXtina”), the Bobblehead Warrior left one last nugget of Excluusive info: “Album comes out in November. #YourBody out Friday! Love you all! XoXtina.” And so it was: An album title, date and a single cover all in one session.
Although Def Jam France accidentally leaked the news earlier this morning that Rihanna‘s album is also arriving in November, the Navy Commander Madonna “Rain”-Hair Serving Illuminati High Priestess has already scrapped plans for her seventh studio record, according to her label.
Somewhere, in the cabin of a luxurious yacht off the coast of St. Marks, a Bajan pop princess looking up at the quote painted above her California king bed. “That Rihanna reign just won’t let up.” Ruffling through her up-turned Boy London hat on the dresser, she takes out a tube of blood-red lipstick. She stands up and, in one slow, defeated motion, crosses off the word “won’t.”
Slowly, she crumbles onto the bed and emptily stares back above. Grabbing her iPhone, she snaps a photograph of the wall above and sends it to Instagram. “#PhuckXtina,” she captions the photo in between tears.
Hide your faves, hide your bodies–no one is safe.