“Gotta be the finest thing that I’ve seen in my life…” – Book of Godney, Hymns of Femme Fatale, 6:16
The Holy Spearit is the most beautiful and fairest lady in all the land. We already know this from our daily teachings, which we inherited after our forefathers stumbled upon the Book of Godney in 1998 outside Cinderella’s Castle in Disney World.
But this week, the reemergence of Immaculateney has begun, and we all remain deeply unworthy.
It all began on Wednesday, when Miss Britney showed up with Jason for City Of Hope’s honoring of Halston CEO Ben Malka with the Spirit Of Life Award.
You might be asking yourself: “Wait, what? But why would she be there?” In fact, it was all a slight miscommunication: Team Britney assumed it was the Spearit of Life Award, in which the legend would honor the CEO with a 12-second display of armography and a single Pepsi-sponsored wink. Still, her presence at the event remained iconic.
Our Queen of Phonography was flaunting flowing locks divined straight from the heavens (no seriously, that weave was thread together using strings plucked out of angel harps) and a backless Halston gown–an allusion to the commercial for “Radiance,” no doubt.
Phuck yo Candie’s–this is Coutureney, bitch! And her face? So beautiful (drop dead.)
Then, on Thursday’s X Factor, Britney stared eye-to-eye with newly chosen group (THE TEENS!) all singing their hearts out on her lawn. And by “her lawn,” I mean someone else’s lawn. And by “stared eye-to-eye,” I mean watched behind massive sunglasses. And by “watched,” I mean silently slumbered.
There weren’t really any ‘moments’ admittedly, except for when tween hopeful Beatrice Miller performed Sia‘s “Titanium.” Afterward, Britney–giving us Good Morning America groggy dulcet vocals–told her celebrity gal-pal on the scene will.i.am that Beatrice needed to “control the loudness.”
CONTROL. THE. LOUDNESS.
While X Factor was airing on the East Coast, Britney was taking to the stage at We Will Always Love You, a tribute to Whitney Houston airing in November.
As you can see from the photos of the event, there are no flaws here. Zero. The face. The hands. The ruffles. The head. The sweet. The love. The teeth. The tongue. The eye. She’s Heaven on Earthney.
No flaws can be found by any professional flaw researcher on this entire globe. In fact, just this morning, NASA’s Curiousity rover scaled the entirety of Mars searching for a potential matching extraterrestrial flaw–but to no avail.
Quite simply flaw-free.
On a side note, It was wonderful that the Grammy’s–a kind-of-still prestigious institution that has famously shafted our Queen from nominations for years in favor of basics and lessers in the “Pop” category–invited Britney to the event. She’s counted Whitney as one of her major idols ever since her debut, so it was heartwarming to see Britney among those honoring Houston’s legacy during the tribute.
As we all know from our studies, Godney was signed to Jive records after singing Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing” to executives in New York City at 15 years old. She shared the tale onstage and thanked Whitney for being an inspiration–both to her and countless others. It was a perfect, touching speech.
Finally, prior to honoring Houston, Britney briefly worked the red carpet outside the Nokia Theater and gave Access Hollywood a moment of her blessed time, love, joy and space.
During the minute-long conversation, she fielded questions about Whitney (SHE REMEMBERS THE WORLD MUSIC AWARDS IN ’99), X Factor and…her upcoming collaboration with will.i.am from his new album, #willpower (which was previously rumored to be titled “Sexy Sexy”–thank Godney, it’s not.)
“Tell me about the new single,” the sweet-yet-stern interviewer inquired.
“My new single is ‘Scream & Shout’ with will.i.am,” Our Lordney and Savior responded, serving some “Not yet” side-eye realness. “It’s coming out soon.”
“I LOVE WILL.I.AM,” the overly eager-and-way-too-excited interview lady gasped.
“He’s fun.”
“Tell me about the collaboration with will.i.am,” the increasingly demanding interview lady pressed on.
“Well, it’s um. You just have to hear it. You just have to hear it, it’s um,” Godney declared.
CONTROL THE LOUDNESS, BRITNEY.
And there you have it. Now then…who’s ready to scream and shout?
