BOW THE FUCK DOWN.
With just two weeks remaining until her Lotus finally blossoms, Legendtina decided to fly over to NYC last night to continue the relentless promotion. No bodies were safe.
The night began when the “Nasty Naughty Boy” songstress appeared on the Hurricane Sandy relief telethon. Standing as an army of me with her biconic red lip anal bead mic stand and a Kool-Aid-dipped pink pony, the icon launched into a stirring rendition of her signature song about being beautiful and overcoming haters.
“I’m not sure if Sandy is a man or a woman, but fuck Sandy. Buy Lotus,” Legendtina signed off just after the cameras cut away.
Having thoroughly slayed Sandy and her whore mouth, Legendtina then sashayed over to NBC Studios to continue to the promo on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon.
In an obvious ode to the classic Bionic track “Elastic Love,” the legend, the host and a group of fans named The Roots took over at Jimmy’s desk and launched into an astonishing office supply-only rendition of “Your Body,” replete with paper tearing, scissor snipping and even some sensual stapler armography. A rubber band was an analogy–you can even SAY! it’s a metaphor!
The legend’s voice was entirely on point throughout, and the performance was actually one of most fun, unique late night performances of the year. In fact, songstresses around the globe have already begun FedEx-ing their wigs to Legendtina’s Lair in defeat. According to MuuMuse sources, Adele was last seen chain-smoking outside of a Staples in London while attempting to harmonize with a mouse pad, a fax machine and a print label maker.
Meanwhile, as Legendtina was busy singing her way across NYC, Baby Max took a break from playing Twister Dance and crawled onto his mother’s 1996 IBM to begin leaking snippets from Lotus in protest of will.i.am‘s refusal to release “Scream & Shout.”
As one can plainly hear from the previews, Legendtina is exploring a wide range of topics this time around: There’s a song about rising up above the haters (“Lotus Intro”), as well as battling the haters (“Army of Me”). Along with that, there’s a song about haters (“Shut Up”), singing better than the haters (“Sing For Me”), surviving the haters (“Best Of Me”), standing up against the haters (“Empty Words”) compromising with the haters (“Cease Fire”) and even a song about fingering the haters (“Circles”).
And as a final treat for her little Lotus Petals, Our Lady of Woohoo herself uploaded the full version of the Sia-penned Lotus ballad “Blank Page” to VEVO. It’s absolutely stunning, and will likely fuck many bodies.
And the legacy lives on…
RISE, LOTUS. RISE.
“Your Body” was released on September 17. (iTunes)