The Grammys happened, and lots of things happened during The Grammys.
Chris Brown didn’t stand up for Frank Ocean, Frank Ocean’s voice didn’t stand up at all, Rihanna did an amazing performance of “Stay” with Mikky Ekko, Kelly Clarkson did an amazing performance of being Kelly Clarkson, the Carter-Knowles Administration bobbed their heads in unison, Justin Timberlake made a comeback, Justin Bieber got pissy and Lena Dunham won everything.
But in my world, there was plenty of potential for other stuff to happen. Stuff that really should have happened. And in my world–which I don’t recommend visiting anytime soon–the Grammys could have gone very differently.
So without further ado, here’s how the headlines would read today if I were in charge of the Grammys.
Kelly Rowland Sweeps at Grammys, Wins All 7 Categories
LOS ANGELES, CA — For up-and-coming artists, Kelly Rowland certainly provided some “Motivation” last night at the Grammys: The Destiny’s Child frontwoman snagged awards for all 7 of her nominations last night, including Record Of The Year (“Down For Whatever”), Best Rap/Sung Collaboration (“Ice (feat. Lil Wayne)”) and Best Pop Solo Performance (“When Love Takes Over [Live in Phuket]”). The results were unsurprising, considering highly influential cultural critics–from The New York Times to The Guardian to MuuMuse–almost unanimously predicted the R&B-pop singer’s reign at the event. While bandmate Beyonce Knowles cheered Rowland on from the crowd, Michelle Williams was not in attendance, still on tour in Latin America on her global Stop This Car: Still Unexpected Tour 2013. However, Williams later surprised Rowland with a surprise video message during the show. Rowland’s new single “Kisses Down Low” is already receiving early Grammy buzz for the 2014 Grammy Awards after Clive Davis earnestly referred to the song as “the ‘Let’s Get It On’ of our time” during his Annual Grammy Party two nights ago. The song is available now on iTunes.
Ashanti Receives Lifetime Achievement Award
LOS ANGELES, CA — Last night, a tearful yet radiant Ashanti took to the stage to receive the Lifetime Achievement Award during the Grammys telecast following a record-breaking 9-minute standing ovation. Exactly one decade after the release of the critically acclaimed Chapter II, along with Ashanti’s Christmas later in the year, the songstress graciously accepted the award for her contribution to the creative world. She thanked several members of the audience in her speech, including up-and-coming R&B acts Kelly Hilson and Ameriie, who she urged to “keep growing, learning and sharing memories through song.” The “Only U” songstress also promised to continue making music for her loyal fans–more commonly known as the Lil Shantis. Her upcoming album, Braveheart, is due out later this year.
Lana Del Rey Wins Album of the Year
LOS ANGELES, CA — Lana Del Rey was a vision in gold last night at the Grammys, accepting the award for Album of the Year from presenter Kat DeLuna. Though Kelly Rowland took home most of the awards last night, all eyes were on the Born To Die chanteuse as the obvious frontrunner for the category. During her red carpet interview with Billboard, last year’s winner Adele proclaimed that the album was “clearly the best record of 2012–anyone with ears would bloody know that.” Katy Perry also sung Lana’s praises following the show, gushing to Access Hollywood: “My next album is entirely inspired by Born To Die. Without her, I’d have nothing.” Said a pregnant Amber Rose post-show, “If the Academy didn’t recognize Born To Die, the legitimacy of this entire institution would be questioned.” The singer’s work on the upcoming film Gatsby puts her on track for an Oscar win, suggesting that Rey may likely be on her way to becoming one of the few to win all four major entertainment awards–otherwise known as the EGOT.
Christina Aguilera Snubbed in New Lotus Of The Year Category
LOS ANGELES, CA — For the first time ever, the Grammy’s have selected a Lotus Of The Year. Last night, the award for the newly created category went to Wale and Miguel for their collaboration “Lotus Flower Bomb,” beating the only other song in the competition: Christina Aguilera‘s “Lotus (Intro).” The Burlesque actress did not make a formal appearance at the ceremony, although several performers–including Rihanna–complained of “an irritated Latina drag queen wearing a crown” who reportedly resembled the Mi Reflejo chanteuse attempting to throw gum into their hair backstage. According to her publicist, Aguilera is entirely unbothered by the loss, explaining that the members of the prestigious institution are not “true lovers of music.” The “Bobblehead” songstress is currently in talks with Costco for her upcoming tri-state area tour, The Bionic/Lotus Experience.
Kerli, Justin Timberlake, Rihanna Shine Bright on Stage Together at Grammys
LOS ANGELES, CA — Following his celebrated comeback performance, “SexyBack” singer Justin Timberlake returned to the stage with Rihanna to perform a stunning rendition of the Barbadian beauty’s Good Girl Gone Bad single, “Rehab.” The duo recreated the smoldering sexual tension of their 2008 music video on an elaborately designed stage filled with sand. The performance suddenly came to a crashing end with the arrival of popular Estonian sensation Kerli overhead, who flew in on a glittery spaceship and showered the crowd with packages of moon pies and Lisa Frank pencils. The trio then launched into a spirited performance of Kerli’s current US Billboard #1 “The Lucky Ones,” ending with a three-way group hug as glittery confetti blasted into the elated crowd. The performance almost went off without a hitch, apart from an incident involving Taylor Swift and a confetti cannon. She is expected to make a full recovery.
Britney Spears Accidentally Wins Grammy, Does Not Care
LOS ANGELES, CA — Although she was not nominated this year, music icon Britney Spears still managed to win big. The Grammys were brought to a halt briefly during the presentation for Best Urban Contemporary Album, in which presenter Ryan Starr announced the winning album: Spears’ 2007 record, Blackout. Following an extended murmuring of surprise from the crowd, two Grammy officials took to the stage to clarify the error. As it turned out, the envelope was leftover from the 2008 Grammy Awards. Authorities are now investigating the envelope mix-up under suspicion of foul play, and investigators are pursuing the intern handling the envelopes during the 2008 ceremony, reportedly named Stefani Germanotta. Spears was not in attendance at last night’s show, instead recording her upcoming album Blackout 2.0. at home and enjoying the global success of her will.i.am collaboration, “Scream & Shout.” Upon receiving news of the envelope error, Spears issued an official statement: “The Grammys can kiss my ass.”