President Barack Obama. Pope Francis. Kim Jong Un. Legendtina: These are the true legends of our time.
Today, Time Magazine announced 2013’s TIME 100—an annual list of the Top 100 most influential artists, leaders, innovators and religious icons. To no one’s surprise, multiplatinum recording artist, 4-time Grammy Award winner and 3-time winner of the Germany Fragrance Foundations’s Duftstar Award for Consumer’s Choice Best Women’s Fragrance in Lifestyle, Christina María Mi Reflejo Nina Pinta Santamaria Desnudate Aguilera, has been included.
Last night, Legendtina held a press conference at the newly remodeled Legendtina’s Lair to celebrate the latest in her seemingly endless string of achievements.
“On behalf of myself, my spirit healer Oranum and life coach Baby Max, I would just like SAY! thank you to the fans who helped to make this possible,” she declared. “This is for the little dreamers, the lotuses, the fighters, the birds of the prey, and the bobbleheads. It is inspiring to me as an artist—having been in this industry for well over a decade—to see that there are still true lovers of music out there. When I wrote and produced my forward-thinking, self-empowerment anthem “Feel This Moment” for Shitbull‘s new record, I was reflecting on this inevitable moment. This is for all you, fans!” she roared, spitting out a piece of gum and tossing it into the crowd.
Opening up to the panel, Legendtina fielded a variety of questions, including her thoughts on Beyoncé‘s new tour (“Who?), Rihanna‘s new tour (“Who wouldn’t want to see a singing Barbadian goat on stage?”), Lady Gaga‘s surgery (“I’m sure he’ll be fine”), as well as Britney‘s new album (“No more questions.”)
Aguilera then went on, providing inspiring words to “lesser, more irrelevant” pop stars, including “Onika Maraj, Rihanna Ora, Nicole Schwarzenegger and Madonna“: “Rise up,” she recommended, lifting up a half-eaten Taco Bell Cool Ranch Doritos Taco to demonstrate. “When there’s no one else, look inside yourself and like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within,” she explained, pausing to take a bite. “And then buy Lotus on iTunes.”
She also thanked “Selena Dion” for writing the praise-riddled article included in the magazine: “Perhaps she can come over for breakfast one day,” she cackled, leaning in closer to the microphone: “Sex for breakfast.”
When the conference finally drew to a close, following an unexpected 3-hour listening session of Back To Basics, Bionic and Lotus, Legendtina ended the event by tossing free samples of Secret Potion and Red Sin into the crowd of journalists and signing off a simple, straightforward message to her detractors: “If you don’t like it, fuck you. HA!”
