IT’S FITNEY, BITCH.
The #Album8Promo has just begun (having its fun).
After will.i.am spilled the brit.n.ey beans last week (which we decided isn’t completely the worst), Britney‘s found yet another way to get inside our dirty minds: The cover of the June issue of Shape Magazine.
Fitney. Fierceney. Fabulousney: The Holy Spearit is lookin’ both (A) hot as fire (B) cold as ice on the cover of Shape, officially ushering in the summer season and causing a national flu pandemic from the sheer sickness of her body.
Brit’s sexy white bathing suit is an obvious tribute to her friend Legendtina, TIME 100’s Most Influential Artist of The Year, and her all-white outfit in 2000’s “Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)”—or, as it’s more commonly known, “Ven Conmigo (Solamente Tú).”
The pose is also a subtle signal to fans: To the untrained eye, one might assume Britney is simply flexing her arm behind her head. In fact, when viewed with Stan-O-Vision Goggles, the cover reveals itself to be a nod to the Blackout album art, doubly confirming that Blackout 2.0 is indeed in the works. (Thank you for the clues, B!)
Inside, the Holy Spearit is photographed looking like a boxer in the ring trying to defend herself (REFERENCE), giving us a little bit of Hard Candy MDNA in the process. Also, HOLY HOTNEY GODNEY.
We also get a sneak peek at her workout playlist in the article, which includes George Michael and Whitney Houston. Huh, what? No David Guetta? No Skrillex? That’s because legends only listen to fellow legends—and this particular legend may or may not have the musical taste of a middle-aged gay man trapped inside a flaw-free 30-something angel’s bodeh.
Plus, the Spearit shows off her flaw-free form with some of her favorite yoga stretches (!), including “Camel,” “Warrior 2” and “Bow” (pronounced “BOW THE FUCK DOWN”). The poses are all rumored to be featured in Britney’s upcoming instructional DVD: I’m Not A Beginner, Not Yet A Yogi.
UPDATE: The Living Legend officially confirmed her Las Vegas residency in the article, explaining: “The [Vegas] performances won’t be simple—they’ll be a massive party from start to finish. And to pull this off, I have to be in top condition and running at full speed.”
Start packing now.
The entire shoot is praiseworthy and we all remain unworthy, but the greatest part of this entire shoot? The fact that, only hours later, Britney was photographed carrying several buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken.