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Legendtina and Lady Gaga Conquer ‘The Voice,’ The Haters And The Entire World

LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (Los Angeles, CA) — In what is now being referred to by The Vatican as “complete and utter fucking slayage,” Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera and Lady Aphrodite Seashell Bikini “Stefani” Gaga joined forces during The Voice finale tonight to deliver a stunning joint rendition of ARTPOP single, “Do What U Want.”

Although tonight was the first time the two had ever met, the GRAMMY Award-winning duo worked hard to perfect their game-changing duet in the final hour.

The performance kicked off when Gaga, dressed as a one-woman homage to Dynasty, took to the stage in front of a giant seashell to croon her Best Buy’s Beats by Dr. Dre Beats-sponsored hater anthem.

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Moments later, the seashell behind the “G.U.Y.” siren began to rise up like a lotus as Legendtina appeared, making a show-stopping entrance to the stage to the sound of a roaring crowd.

Formerly known as rivals, the chanteuses stood together side by side, holding hands and providing a powerful statement of sisterhood that The New York Times described as “utterly incredible — not since ‘Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves’ has there been such a powerful statement of solidarity in music.”

At one point, the duetting divas began singing together from a clam-shaped chaise lounge, staring thoughtfully into each other’s eyes — one of the night’s most poignant moments.

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According to the Back To Basics icon, the artful embrace of Gaga into her voluptuous “Dirrty” pillows was inspired by Michelangelo‘s “Pieta,” which depicts the Virgin Mary cradling the dead body of Jesus. “It just made sense for where we’re both at in our careers,” she explained.

The two then returned to the center of the stage to begin praising each other in the form of guttural grunts and shrill yodels, occasionally even landing full words.

DOWUCHAWAHWIMAH-LEGENDTINAHHH,” Gaga belted.

DOWHAJAHWAUHAH-UH-HAAAA-GAGAAAAA!” Legendtina shouted back.

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The triumphant moment ended in a joyous toast between the two, which — according to stagehands — was in fact a tasty serving of Mi Reflejo Flower Wine harvested from the Desnudate Desert in the Lower Woohoo Canyons.

Almost immediately, the acclaim began pouring in: The LA Times called the performance “easily more fulfilling than watching the birth of one’s own child.” The Washington Post hailed it as “one of the most important things to happen in pop music since that new Beyoncé album dropped,” as well as “Wait, does anyone know who actually won?” Meanwhile, patrons at Boxers, Barracuda and The Eagle in Chelsea hailed the performance as “YASSSS GAGA AND LEGENDTINA, U LOOK SO GOOD. YASSSS!

President Obama has officially dubbed today, December 17, as The Official Lotus-ARTPOP Appreciation Day, during which free copies of Lotus and ARTPOP will be distributed as a deluxe 2-CD special to #LotusPromo and #ARTPOPPromo-impoverished cities around the nation.

The performance didn’t only spark national attention, however: Soon after The Voice aired, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas dialed into the LNN to make an Excluusive announcement. “We just wanted to tell you both that we were so inspired by that empowering duet, we decided to call the Middle East crisis thing off,” Abbas explained.

“Yeah!” Netanyahu continued. “We thought about it and we were both just sort of like, feh. Right, Mahmoud? It’s almost Shabbas. Let’s not.” The line was soon filled with the sound of Legendtina’s iconic LGBT anthem “Let There Be Love,” followed by laughter and joy and peace.

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GIF via dontyoucallyourhusbanddaddy

And as for the back story? According to LNN insiders, the “Do What U Want” performance was inspired by Perez Hilton. Though he could not be reached by phone for comment, we did find the notorious gossip blogger on Grindr and asked if he’d seen the performance yet, and if now considered his #JusticeForBionic ARTPOP sabotage movement to be a flop. “No, but are you looking for hot NSA fun? ;)” he replied. We then declined his nudes and reminded him that he has a child.

Of all the praise earned tonight, no one was more pleased with the performance than Legendtina.

“Let me tell you something about that Lady Gaga,” the “Your Body” songstress said to us backstage before tossing a champagne bottle at her assistant’s head. “Anyone who invites me into their own clamshell, takes refuge in my bosom and then shouts my name at me repeatedly on stage — well, that’s somebody — hiccup — I can appreciate. My girl Gaga and I, we’re running the show. We’re teasing all the boys on the go, and we’re buying Bionic and Born This Way on iTunes and AmazonMP3.”

Later on, we also caught up with Lady Gaga, who was just about to try on her latest flying Volantis dress.

“Oh God,” she cried, bursting into tears. “Legendtina. She’s, just…the inspiration for everything. She’s the reason I wrote ‘Born This Way.’ She exudes the very essence of ARTPOP. She represents the Reverse Warholian Expedition toward youth culture and music, because I live for the applause and the future of technology. The App is on iTunes now and suddenly the burqa is me,” she continued. “Do what you want with my Perez, because Marina Abramovic says he is standing outside my apartment in New York City, love me, love me, please retweet, and #StopTheDramaStartTheMusic because fashion and Donatella Versace. Koons to you all.”

With the myriad successes that 2013 brought to Legend X — from her two Top 10 Billboard smashes, to her iconic La Tempestad theme song, to her endlessly iconic Voice performances, what could possibly be next for Legendtina in 2014?

“Well, as you know, I’ve been in this industry for well over a decade now. Yet there’s so much more to be done — I know, even after being named TIME Magazine’s Most Influential Artist Of Ever!” she cackled in between bites of her Sex For Breakfast Sandwich, part of her new nutrition line, Skinnytina.

“It’s important to keep newcomers like Lady Gaga and Kathy Perry and Ritaoranna inspired regularly so we can keep doing things like this. I’m looking into more acting opportunities. Burlesque is looking pretty lonely out there without a sequel,” she winked at us.

“And I’ve got lots of exciting things coming in terms of music. In fact, be on the lookout for a surprise album I just dropped on iTunes at midnight tonight for all my unbreakable flowers and fighters out there — it’s called BIONICÉ.

But for right now? “We’re both going down to The Abbey to get shitty together. Thanks, fans!”

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LET THERE BE LOVE AND LIGHT, BITCHES.

Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series…and if you don’t like it, fuck you.