Hang on to your Koons balls: Lady Gaga‘s got a new music video! (Sorry, FILM. I meant film.)
After an emergency plug-pull on the video for “Do What U Want (feat. Problematic R&B Star With Too Many Skeletons In The Closet)” (NO ONE SAY ANYTHING, OKAY?), Gaga’s decided to dig into the innards of ARTPOP to unveil the next (and final?) piece of the ARTPOP puzzle: “G.U.Y.”, an eye-popping 7-minute deep dive into astonishing new levels of self-importance and certifiable insanity. YASSSSSS!
To kick off this Reverse Warholian expedition into Hearst Castle, we’re gifted with a heavy-handed extended intro, set to the tune of title track “ARTPOP,” Gaga’s excellent homage to Selena Gomez‘s “Love You Like A Love Song.”
Do you see the symbolism? Gaga as a fallen Goddess Of Love? The corporate pigs (SWINE!!!1!) retreating from her broken body, tossed in a ditch with their greasy dollars littered everywhere?
You see, Gaga’s closest confidantes have #SABOTAGED Mother Monster and left her to die, firing an arrow straight through her heart and leaving her wounded and broken. (In an era of #StopTheDramaStartTheMusic, she sure seems unwilling to do anything but reference the drama, huh? I DIGRESS.)
As a Living Legend™ once said, people can take everything from you — but they can never take away your TRUTH, Gagaloo. You better work, bitch! And so, she rises above! Why? Because a hybrid can withstand these things! Her heart can beat with bricks and strings! (Although she should probably get that arrow wound checked out by a medical professional.)
Gaga trudges heroically onward toward Hearst Castle, which (probably) represents the Haus of Gaga. She collapses — but she is home now. Guards! Lift up this poor wench!
Ah HA! And now it’s
penis “Venus” time!
YASSSS GAGA, U LOOK SO DAMAGED, YASSS!
Lady Gaga might look like she been bluffin’ with her muffin one too many times last night (been there, girl), but have no fear, Little Monsters! Her gaggle of gays and girls are waiting poolside to do what Gaga’s gays and girls do best: Advanced restorative therapy in the form of jazzercize and fancy headdresses.
SOMEONE GET THIS BITCH A FLORAL HEADPIECE!
Yes, they accept Lady Gaga as their ruler here! YASSSSS, GAGA! And Gaga accepts the love right back! YASSSS, GAGA! And together, they can do anything…because ARTPOP!
YASSSS GAGA, U LOOK SO EMBOLDENED BY THE HOMOSEXUAL COMMUNITY, YASSS!
“Is this how Marilyn Monroe felt?”
Look at that fucking native New Yorker being renewed in the calming waters of the Haus! Praise her light! Yassss, Marina Abramovic! Yassss!
And then, the most incredible thing in the world happens…
In what can only be described as the fan-fiction of my dreams, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills arrive on the scene as instrument-wielding muses in pink, singing “Venus” at us like our drunk aunts at a bar mitzvah.
The conviction! Queen Lisa Vanderpump sassily swaying that tambourine! Kyle and Kim Richards serving dual guitar sister action! Goddess of Lemons Yolanda Foster serving CELLO REALNESS! CARLTON “DARKSIDED” GEBBIA STRUMMING A FUCKING HARP.
AND ANDY COHEN AS TELETUBBY SUN GOD.
YASSSS, ANDY. YOU BETTER WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE IN THE SKY BITCH, YASSSS!
Now, I suppose you could say the inclusion of the Real Housewives and Andy Cohen is some sort of Reverse Warholian meditation on society’s reverence of material wealth and the culture of celebrity and fame or whatever, but if I had to guess, Gaga probably got high one night while making ARTPOP and said: “I have more money than God. I love Housewives. I think I’m going to cast Kim Richards as a guitar-playing muse in my next music video.”
And so she did.
With that colossal mindfuck out of the way, it’s time for “G.U.Y.” to begin! Yassssssss!
The “G.U.Y.” transition is when the video really heats up, mainly because we’re getting choreography again. YASSS! Since dancing is becoming a rapidly dying tradition in pop music (GREAT WORK, KATY PERRY), it’s up to Gaga to keep the moves going in the nu-school of pop princesses. It’s when Gaga’s in proper “pop star mode” — when she’s dancing, supplying gorgeous visuals and dazzling costumes and simply having fun — that’s the Gaga I like.
YASSS, GAGA! YOU DANCE SO GOOD!
We’re also #blessed with some memorable looks (lewks), including…
P.U.Y. (PANDA UNDER YOU)! Also, is this subtle shade at former stylist Nicola Formichetti‘s NicoPanda?
Donatella Versace Aphrodite Lady Seashell “Botticelli Bottom” Bikini! (Garden panty!)
Erotes! Erotes! Put your hands all over my body!
Gaga’s all on that Greek mythology on ARTPOP (“Greetings, Himeros…God of sexual desire!”), so the bow and arrow-wielding Gods and goddesses represent the Erotes — the gods of sex and love. Why? BECAUSE ARTPOP, THAT IS FUCKING WHY. YASSSSS, GREEK MYTHOLOSLAY!
Of course, “G.U.Y.” just wouldn’t be a power bottom anthem unless there was some power bottoming going on! Gaga’s gone ahead and thrown in some instructional dance moves to demonstrate how to ride the D like it’s the Born Brave Bus. YASSS!
KOONS BALL SIGHTING!!!!!
Life isn’t all about diamonds and power bottoming (but it should be): It’s also about iconoclasm!
Teaming up with a famous MineCraft YouTube player named SkyDoesMinecraft (BECAUSE ARTPOP THAT IS WHY), Sister Swine comes up with the right code-cracking combination to bring Jesus, Gandhi and Michael Jackson back to life to take some “G.U.Y.” blood samples.
And who’s supposed to be in the fourth coffin, anyway? Is it for Gaga? Does Gaga fancy herself to be the next Jesus and/or Michael Jackson? Also, is Gaga equating her record label struggle to that of Jesus and Gandhi? “I’M EVERY ICON.” (Girl, you debuted in 2008. Hilary Duff has had a more prolific career. Let’s not!)
Mercifully, the plot of “G.U.Y.” is far too convoluted for anyone to be outraged! YASSSS, SLAYYYYY!!!!
But enough with all that nonsense! It’s time to set out on a most Christ-like mission: IT’S REVENGE TIME, BITCH.
With a troupe of cloned LG hotties and the HBICs of RHOBH, Lisa and Kyle (WHAT EVEN), Gaga goes into Bad Bitch mode, heading out on a violent revenge against the corporate swine who done did her wrong.
Seeing Kyle Richards, of Kyle by Alene Too fame, and SUR restaurant owner Lisa Vanderpump strutting down that corridor with Giggy The Pom, #masc dom power top pomeranian? Really, it’s all too much to handle. (Side note: Where’s SUR starlet Scheana Marie?) KYLE’S HAIR FLIP MID-CHOKE HOLD, THO. Hold me. HOW IS ANY OF THIS REAL?!
“Life is a sexy little dance…now prepare to die.” – Lisa Vanderpump
Gaga’s found her way back on top…by being on the bottom.
The credits scroll as “MANiCURE” blares, and that’s that.
“G.U.Y.”: Undoubtedly Gaga’s most grand visual smorgasbord since the days of “Bad Romance” and “Telephone,” and certainly the most creative Summer By Bravo commercial to date. Yasssss!
ARTPOP was released on November 11. (iTunes)