Well, they’ve really gone and Danity done it now.

Despite my most valiant grassroots efforts to keep the dream alive and the lemonade squeezed fresh daily, Danity Kane, the Making The Band-bred fivesome foursome trio of bad girls, has just gone and phucked it all up. Royally.

According to TMZ, the girls were busy cooking up alleged bangers for their alleged upcoming album in the studio yesterday when Dawn Richard and Aubrey O’Day suddenly got into a disagreement, resulting in Dawn “slugging Aubrey in the head with a closed fist.”

Somewhere, Shannon Bex is trying on a red wig and checking into the Witness Protection Program. #PrayForShannon

tyra-rooting

Everything that I’m feeling about this incident can be best expressed in the above Tyra GIF. But let me really take it there — to a secret place (interlude).

Ladies. LAY-DAYS.

A physical altercation? No. No! This is not the Danity Kweendom we’ve come to expect from the chanteuses behind “Damaged.” I certainly did not shell out my hard-earned dollars stamping books at the Brandeis college library so that my worn and scratched copy of Welcome To The Dollhouse could be blasphemed like this.

While we don’t know exactly why Dawn punched Aubrey in the face (yet), Aubrey did (presumably) subtweet about the incident yesterday: “hurt people, hurt people.” (That’s also a lyric from Legendtina‘s Lotus anthem “Empty Words,” so…it could also be innocent #LotusPromo.)

Since then, Aubrey’s gone radio silent on Twitter. And Dawn? She’s JUMPING FROM AN AIRPLANE FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

Like…okay, Dawn? I get that GoldenHeart was amazing and you’re already one foot out the door with a promising solo career, but you cannot PUNCH YOUR DANITY SISTER IN THE HEAD. (Also, happy birthday!)

I ride for DK. I jingle them keys. I’m the first to offer up my readily available first aid kit. And this is how you prepare to stage a comeback?

A reunion announcement exactly one year ago for a single that was never even released? A bare-bones (yet, ultimately, still ***flawless) tour in which Queen Aundrea got up on stage to quit the band in the middle of every concert? A line-up of members dwindling faster than Destiny’s Child in their prime?

You tempt us with speaker-shaking bangers like “Rhythm Of Love” and “All In A Day’s Work” live on stage, yet you refuse to put any of them on iTunes. You pour us lemonade, but never bless us with a visual. Your album is as tangible as Her Name Is Nicole, and you evidently get along as well as 3LW.

Can someone (Shannon?), at the very least (Aundrea?), leak what’s already been recorded (D. Woods?) before the inevitable break-up announcement gets tweeted later this week?

I simply, and truly, Danity Kannot.

aubrey-o-day