A Most Intimate Afternoon With The Intimate Britney Spears Collection

Today, I experienced what can only be described as my most #intimate afternoon to date: The presentation of the Legendary Miss Britney Spears‘ Intimate Britney Spears collection at the New York Public Library.

Although I’d already assumed that the scooter-riding “Before The Goodbye” chanteuse would most likely be #blessing us with a quick wave and a flash of her ten million dollar smile (REFERENCE) on the runway rather than, say, jumping from a tree or a ring of fire, I was still grappling with the same brain-clouding feelings one experiences every time they’ve headed out to see Britney live as I walked toward the library: Excitement, anxiety, anticipation, urban.

I arrived at the venue around 1:15, and already, the line inside was a tiny clusterfuck of media types, stans hoping for a chance to sneak inside, and members of the paparazzi thirsting to put her (lingerie-wearing) derriere in their magazines. Over the course of the next half hour or so, they checked us in and herded us into the room, passing out badges to the photographers.

These are the badges.

I asked one of the kind-yet-assertive ladies working the doors if I could take one as a souvenir after the show, to which the kind-yet-assertive lady wrinkled her nose at me and said “Sooooorrry, but no!” I smiled and laughed it off, but in retrospect, I should have yelled “SERPENTINE!”, stolen one off the table and ran away at full speed. Next time!

So, we filed into the room. Actually, no: We walked in and security was like “um no,” so we filed back out. And once we were back out in the lobby, the ladies at the door were like “um no,” so we filed back into the venue. This happened at least three times, because #fashion.

Finally, we walked in for good!

Once you walked in, there was a step-and-repeat (which I would generously partake in after the show, OBVIOUSLY), as well as a screen to the right playing the already iconic Anemone and Ambrosia Brintimate commercials.

Beyond that was the actual venue, which looked something like what I imagined a traditional Spears wedding to look like (sans cheesy grits and watermelon bubble gum-flavored apps): It was all white everything, Heaven On Earth style, filled with rows of lovely white-cushioned chairs, which were all lined with Intimate Britney Spears programs, glass bottles of Voss and, most importantly of all, INTIMATE BRITNEY SPEARS CHOCOLATES (2) — which were both lookin’ and tasting delicious (REFERENCE).’

Slowly but surely, the audience filled out: Dev was there! Also Marc Malkin.

About 15 minutes after 2, everyone suddenly grew quiet. The lights slightly dimmed (did they, though? I might have just been losing command of my bodily functions at that point), and some enchanting music began to play overhead — not unlike what you’d hear in a Fantasy commercial. (Note: It was not new Britney music — calm down, forum stans.)

The dramatic music came to a close, the curtains raised to reveal a daintily decorated onstage boudoir (subtle “S&M” promo), and the dulcet vocals of The Holy Spearit echoed throughout the room. “Paint me satin. Embroider me with mother of pearl. I hate fucking waiting. Larry, fireworks. Buy Britney Jean on iTunes.” (I don’t remember the exact speech, but it was something like that.)

I would say her vocals were somewhere between “Hold It Against Me” and “Breathe On Me” — strong, yet seductive.

One by one, the gorgeous models strolled out onto the stage to display Queen B’s fashions above an electronic, Imogen Heap-y pulse. The girls were all so pretty! But also so very svelte, sort of like a collection of sexily dressed sticks.

Also, let me just say: The pieces all looked genuinely beautiful and sexy and comfortable. If I were a sensual seductress, I would certainly be investing in all these sleepwear looks (I probably will anyway), and if I were a #masc STR8 dude, I would definitely want to BANG those BROADS.

Meanwhile, throughout this entire (maybe?) 10 minute ordeal, I was caught between frantically trying to photograph the presentation, learning my phone had run out of space, deleting old videos and photos (too many nudes), shaking and crying and praying that I’d make enough room for Godney’s arrival. (I did.)

And then, the moment arrived: The Legendary Miss Britney Spears came sashaying out in a bright “Oops!” red jumpsuit. (Is that what it’s called? A jumpsuit? I Googled. #Fashion) She looked absolutely beautiful! And radiant! And so smiley and happy! And she made her speech like confident Exceptional Earner that she is, thanking the models and the audience for helping her to achieve her dream of launching the Brintimates collection. And then, as quickly as “Shattered Glass,” the iconic businesswoman and Queen Of Fashion left the stage.

After roughly a half hour of completely non-self aware post-Spearitual shaking and Tweeting and Instagramming (at one point, I realized I was just facing a wall for about a 10 minute stretch while trying to upload a video), I gathered myself together again and left.

In truth, this has been a difficult week for me personally speaking (attempting to jump over drama and land on my feet, it’s fine), but that one brief moment of seeing Britney in person has once again revitalized my Spearit. It is…The Power Of Intimateney.

And that was my day. How was yours?