Remember how Taylor Swift‘s “Out Of The Woods” shook my entire world and changed everything I thought I felt about Taylor Swift?

Now there’s “Welcome To New York,” the opening track off of 1989. And, well. Is it too late to trek back into the forest?

If you were to take an early scrapped demo from Carly Rae Jepsen‘s Kiss, run it through a lame ’80’s MIDI maker and then ask a starry-eyed teen dreamer to write a topline based on what she thinks New York City is like after marathoning several seasons of Sex & The City, that would be “Welcome To New York,” an ode to the Big Apple written by a well-intentioned multimillionaire who moved to the city like six months ago.

Production aside, if there’s one thing I know about New York City by living here, it’s that New York City is most certainly not waiting for you. Or me. Or anyone. It gives about as many phucks about you as Rihanna does. What dreamworld are you singing about, Tay Tay?!

“Welcome To New York” is cute-ish. It’s fine. But ultimately, it’s quite basic — in sound and substance.

One positive, though: I like the way it makes Madonna‘s “I Love New York” sound lyrically profound.

‘1989’ will be released on October 27. (iTunes)