Yesterday, the citizens of Las Vegas came together for a #blessed day of thanks called Britney Day, a sacred celebration and sacrificial offering to our one, true Godney.
It’s kind of crazy (REFERENCE) that the holiday only just came into existence now, considering “Britney Day” has been a celebration extended through to all 365 days of the year in my world for nearly two decades now.
You see, in my world, albino snakes slither across the sidewalks. Formalwear consist of sweatpants, tank tops and Uggs. Car horns honk to the sound of “Mmm Papi” and “Soda Pop.” Tourists stay in Onyx Hotels, and travel only via Toxic Air. College students receive degrees in BP (Bachelor Of Personal) or BU (Bachelor Of Urban). Twister Dance is the national sport. Correspondences are sent solely via e-mail, because everyone’s doin’ them. Churches, mosques and synagogues are actually universal homes of Spearitualism, all furnished with an altar consisting of The Complete Discography Of Godney, a used Starbucks cup, a vanilla candle and a pack of menthols.
…but I digress. It was Britney’s day in Vegas, bitch.
Following a really cool, funky and different performance by the showgirls from Jubilee at Bally’s, Clark County Commission Chairman/life-long Britney stan Steve Sisolak presented The Living Legend with The Key To The City, which will surely unlock the doors to any Starbucks or Target of her choosing.
And, as a sign of her approval of this gift, The Holy Spearit announced a whole new stretch of tour dates for Piece Of Me: Live In Las Vegasney in 2015, adding that $1 from every sale will now go to the Nevada Childhood Cancer Foundation (NCCF), being the Benevolentney angel sent from above that she is.
In addition, B-Girl also confirmed to Extra that she is officially getting the D on the regular from attractive person Charlie Ebersol in between recording her artsy fartsy left-lane opus — and even showed mercy toward up-and-coming indie singer-songwriter, Taylor Swift, who dared to come a little too close to breaking Brit Brit’s Oops!…I Did It Again opening sales week record with her new album, 1989.
Scratch that: Britney wasn’t even aware she even maintained that record anyway — because she’s too busy being A HUMBLE AND GENUINE SOUL.
“I had no idea that that was even the case, so that’s really cool. It’s really phenomenal. I’ll just have to toot my own horn,” she said.
1.3+ million copies, a sales record that has never and will never be surpassed again in our lifetime?
Just another day in the life of The Legendary Miss Britney Spears.
ALL HAIL THE QUEEN.