LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (ANAHEIM, CA) — Today, a great tragedy befell the kingdom…the Magic Kingdom, that is.
According to a report from known non-true lovers of music TMZ this morning, GRAMMY Award-nominated Mulan: An Original Walt Disney Records Soundtrack chanteuse and former lead vocalist of The Mickey Mouse Club was involved in “a heated argument with Mickey Mouse” at Disneyland.
As always, we believe in reporting the full truth and nothing but the full truth, stripped, here at the Legendtina News Network. So now, we present the transcript of an Excluusive Interview with Legend X herself following the incident.
(Note: The owner of LNN’s parent company MuuMuse is currently away on vacation at Disney World, and while the timing of this incident is ironic, it appears to be a coincidence…although we have our suspicions.)
LNN: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with us, Your Legend.
Legendtina: You’re welcome, fan. [Opens fan]
Can you tell us what actually happened?
Honestly, I really don’t understand what went wrong in the first place. We were having a wonderful time. I went to the park with — [off-camera, to manager] HEY, what’s his name again? [turns back] — Matt for my birthSAY!, but the trip was really for Baby Max and Summer Rain. We had a whole day mapped out together: We would take them to Aladdin to see the Genie In A Bottle, then bring them to Tomorrowland to teach them about the forward-thinking process that went into creating Bionic, and then we’d head to It’s A Small World to put some weight behind the ongoing grassroots fan effort to rename the attraction Make The World Move: A Global Lotus Experience.
This all sounds perfectly fine.
Thank you, I know. And don’t interrupt me again.
Things got a little crazy when I decided to call an impromptu meeting with my former employer.
And just to clarify for the fans, you’re talking about —
Mr. Mouse. Actually, I don’t know if it’s a man or a woman, to be honest. [Spits gum]
According to this report, you and your “crew” tried to get a photograph with Mickey.
Lies. It’s trash. It’s rumors. I wanted to have a meeting with that rat bastard regarding the royalty checks I am owed for an avant-garde experimental production I starred in many, many years ago called The Mickey Mouse Club. Those checks have mysteriously gone missing, so I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to return to the source — back to basics, if you will — and demand my rightful earnings. Yet when I went up to him, he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about.
The report claimed you said to him: “Do you know who I am?”
What did you actually say to him?[Yells] “I think you already know my name…SAY!”
They also claimed you called him an “asshole.”
Hmm…that part sounds about right. [Cackles]
Okay. Then what happened?
He started stammering, and then he started getting all uppity and pulling up his pants like a real tough lover. HA!
What was he saying to you?
Oh, I don’t know. I tuned him out. Some nonsense about not needing to pay me because of an incident with my former co-worker — I think her name was Brittany or Bertha or something? — and how her hair mysteriously caught on fire on set one day while we were together. Like, as if that’s my fault that she couldn’t manage to sing on key during our duet!
Nothing. And then he went on about this charity garbage. Like, “Oh, I don’t do personal group meetings unless it’s for a non-profit organization.”
So what did you do?
I stopped him right there mid-sentence. What? Am I not supposed to have an opinion? Should I be quiet just because I’m a woman? HA. I put the half-eaten turkey leg I was holding in my hand against his mouse lips and I said: “Excuse me, but do you even know about the BBC (Buy Bionic Coalition) or The Swine Hilton Foundation, an organization dedicated to placing the websites of irrelevant gossip bloggers for sale on GoDaddy.com?”
What did he say?
He ran. He just ran away like a child. Not such an unbreakable flower, that one. So we left before things got too heated — for the sake of the children, of course.
That sounds like a truly awful experience, and one in which you were totally in the right. But enough about the past — we’re so excited for the future. 2015 is going to be such an incredible year for you, from your upcoming ABC Family dramedy about Las Vegas entertainers to your return to the throne on The Voice to your upcoming return to music, which will undoubtedly be your most iconic work to date.[Looks up from Pink Razr phone] Sorry, did you say something?
Nothing at all. Thank you, Legendtina!
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series…and if you don’t like it, fuck you.